Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Riddles)
What did Hannibal the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

- Wiped his ass.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.







#3
(Category: One Liners)
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there." He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye." This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect! The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"




#5
(Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes)
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."


 

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Monday, June 29, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, June 29th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"







#2
(Category: Elderly Jokes)
Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards.





#3
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Seventh Law of Computing

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.





#4
(Category: Religious Jokes)
The only thing that separates us from the animals is mindless superstition and pointless rituals.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
 Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck  left mud-flap		right mud-flap  Passing Side		Suicide  /|         		     |\ / ------    		------ \ \ ------     		------ /  \|         		     |/ El Paso			El Cruncho (spanish)		(spanish) 





 

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q. Why did the amoebae flunk the math test?
A. Because it multiplied by dividing!




#3
(Category: Entertainment Jokes)
Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad,



#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. The wrong way is to try and make everyone else do it the right way.

- Col. Potter, 4077th MASH




 

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Saturday, June 27, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Entry in young womans diary:

Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.

Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part!





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool, he looks up at the bartender and says,



#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"




#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
So, this guy keeps going to several doctors because they all think that he looks terrible. "You look horrible," they all say.

"But I feel great!" he always replies.

They continue with tests and more tests.

"Doctor, I feel wonderful," he protests.

"But you look bad," they all rebutted.

Finally one discovered, "Looks bad but feels great. He must be a vulva!"






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A pastor was assigned to a new church. He wanted to find out how much the congregation knew, so he decided to ask a simple question. He asked the members what they knew about Easter. The first guy comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when everyone comes over and you have this big turkey?"

"Uh, no," the pastor says, "That's Thanksgiving."

Second guy says, "Isn't that the holiday where we get that big tree and..."

"Uh, no. That would be Christmas. Hence Christmas Tree."

"Oh. Sorry."

Finally a young woman comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when they put Jesus on a cross?"

"Yes. Do you know anything else?"

"Yes, He died, right?"

"Yes. Anything else?"

"They took him down, and they put him in a cave, right?"

"Yes, then?"

"And they rolled a stone in front of it?"

"Yes. That's exactly right. Do you know anything else?"

"Yeah. He woke up and, oh, now I remember, he rolled the stone away, and then he got out, saw his shadow, and went back inside for 6 more weeks."




 

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Friday, June 26, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, June 26th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why did the author write his novel in the basement?
He wanted to write a best cellar.





#3
(Category: Riddles)
What is Yellow and goes "putt putt"?
An outboard banana!





#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Did you hear about the transvestite at the Christmas party?
- He wanted to eat, drink, and be Mary.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)


It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?,"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby




 

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."







#2
(Category: Elderly Jokes)
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.



#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."

7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.

10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.

14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.

15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.

16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.

17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.

18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.

19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.

21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give them the right to spread it.

22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"

25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.

26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.

27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.

28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)

30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.

31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.

32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and -Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using the toilet stalls.

33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to the floor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Three days later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and errorize the school.

34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon eaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans.Be cocky.

35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.

36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.

38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.

39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a pegleg.

42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they'll pay.

43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.

44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.

45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.






#4
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Spot.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
knock knock who's there dwain dwain who dwain the tub i'm dwowning!!!!!!!!!



 

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
He has great strength of character. I've seen him give up smoking time and time again.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
My wife and I are into S & M She Sleeps and I masturbate Sent by Richard




#3
(Category: Entertainment Jokes)
Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."




#4
(Category: Funny Signs)
On a bumper sticker:

Honk if you want to see my finger.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
THE WORLD'S TOP 10 SHORTEST BOOKS

10. My Plan To Find The Real Killers-by O J Simpson
9. America's Most Popular Lawyers
8. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
7. Spotted Owl Recipes-by the EPA
6. The Wild Years-by Al Gore
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. To All The Men I've Loved Before-by Ellen DeGeneres
3. DETROIT - A Travel Guide
2. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names

And the number one World's Shortest Book...

1. The Book of Virtues-by Bill Clinton



 

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
The world does not revolve on an axis.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man walks into a bar and walks up to the bar and sits down. He notices a big bowl sitting on the table behind the counter that full of $20.00 bills. He says to the bartender...

"Hey, Whats the deal with the bowl of $20.00 bills?"

The Bartender says "That's our little contest. If you win the contest then you get the bowl of $20.00 bills."

"OK" says the man. "How do I get into this contest?"

"Well" said the bartender, "You have to put $20.00 in the bowl to enter, and then there are 3 things that you have to do."

"What are these things?" said the man.

"Well first" the bartender said, "You see that bouncer over there in the corner? You have to walk over there and knock him out with one punch."

"Wow", said the man. "I'm a pretty small guy, I don't know if I could do that. Ok, what's the second thing?"

"OK", said the bartender. "The second thing you have to do is this. You see that door over there? Behind it is a huge pitbull that has a bad tooth. You have to go back in there and pull that tooth out of the pitbull's mouth."

"Jesus", said the man. "That sounds like a lot. I don't think I could do that. Just for kicks, what's the third thing?"

"Well", said the bartender, "The last thing is this.... Upstairs in room 3 is an old woman that hasn't had any in a long time. You would have to go up there and have your way with her."

"Wow", said the man... "This is too much for anyone... Let me have a drink."

After about 5 drinks the man starts to feel differently about the contest and turns to the bartender and says "Hey buddy, I'd like to try this contest."

He then throws a $20.00 bill into the bowl, gets up, walks over to the bouncer and decks him with one punch. The bouncer was out cold. The bartender looks on in amazement.

The man then heads over to the room where the pitbull is and goes in the door and closes it behind him. Loud screaming and barking can be heard throughout the bar, and finally the man walks out the door, bloody and clothes torn. He looks at the bartender and says

"OK, now where's that broad with the bad tooth?"





#3
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
- So people can read her lips.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms

IBM

I Blame Microsoft

Idiots Buy Me

Idiots Building Machines

I'll Buy Macintoshes

It Bit Me

It Built Microsoft

It's Better Manually

I've Been Mislead

I've Been Mugged

WINDOWS

Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed

When I Need Data Output Without Speed

While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation

Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

WIN

Whoppingly Immense NOP

Worm Infestation Netware

MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT

My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology

Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally

WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan

Different Operating Systems Expectations

Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get

MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It

UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno

VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not

Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DEC: Dump Everything and Close

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic

HP: Hot Pursuit

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MAC: Most Absurd Computer

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.

WARP: What A Rot Program

Acronymns for Other Computer Terms:

AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

DOS: Defective Operating System

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

SCSI: System Can't See It

WWW: World Wide Wait






 

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Monday, June 22, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, June 22nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
What's the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game, you see fast pucks.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11:00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend! 11:34 am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US. 12:00 pm Lunch 3:30 pm Return from lunch. 3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. 4:23 pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out. 4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do. Tuesday ------- 8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts. 9:00 am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling. 9:35 pm Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement. 10:00 am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment. 10:07 am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke. 1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy. 1:05 pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!" 1:15 pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks. 1:20 pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up. 2:00 pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that. 2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. Wednesday --------- 8:30 am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up. 9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material... 10:00 am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums. 10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime. 11:00 am Lunch. 4:55 pm Return from lunch. 5:00 pm Shift change; Going home. Thursday -------- 8:00 am New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color. 8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke. 9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?! 11:00 am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer! 11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door. 1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy... 4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads. 5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow. Friday ------ 8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left. 9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom. 9:02 am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications. 9:30 am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours. 10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours. 11:00 am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee. 11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook. 11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is. 11:25 am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!" 11:30 am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him. 12:00 am Lunch. 1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast. 1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology! 2:30 pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know. 2:39 pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport. 2:50 pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately. 3:00 pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases. 4:30 pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so. 4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings. 4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much. 5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.




#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Pragmatism is the philosophy of doing that which works, no matter what your mother might have told you.
- Patrick F. McManus





#4
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
-Mary Bly





#5
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
My husband has brought some magic back into our marriage.

He disappeared.




 

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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
A woman should be obscene and not heard.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.

To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.

I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.

As a reminder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:

"MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT."'







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a black haired, brown haired, and a blonde haired woman.

When they got to the top a genie appeared from nowhere and said "when your going down the flume shout out the on thing that you want and you will land in it at the bottom.

So the black haired woman went down and shouted "money" and landed in a load of cash, the brown haired woman went down and shouted "gorgous men!" and landed in a pile of men.

The blonde woman wasnt listening to the genie so she went down shouting weeeeeee.




#4
(Category: Funny Signs)
Greeting. Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. I am from Japan and now teach English, give please true I wrote the following sentence: "Dave pollard weblog with archive articles and papers on knowledge work and business innovation." Thanks :o. Ellie.

(Submitted by Ellie)



#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Abducted by space aliens, huh?
Well, let the probing begin!
-The Tick




 

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Saturday, June 20, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man". The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You can lead a whore to Vassar, but you can't make her think.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.

Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.

Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.

Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.

Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.







#5
(Category: Entertainment Jokes)
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"





 

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Friday, June 19, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, June 19th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the playhouse?

- Because she sat on Pinnochio's face and said, "Lie mutherfucker, lie!"





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek! "What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. "Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
She was young, she was beautiful, she was married - and she was with her lawyers seeking a divorce.

"What are the grounds?" said the lawyer.

"Well, after a year of marriage, I'm still a virgin," she replied.

Looking at her, the lawyer found that hard to understand. "What are the circumstances?" he asked.

"Well," she said, "I'm married to an IBM salesman. He's a good provider, works hard, works late."

This did not seem a promising start and the lawyer indicated accordingly.

"But," she continued, "every evening when he comes home he sits at the end of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be - and then he falls asleep."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like
Daytona Beach, Florida.




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
There is no room in today's drug culture for amateurs.

- Uncle Duke
Doonesbury




 

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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, June 18th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Riddles)
Why do cows were bells?
Because their horns don't work.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What did the elephant say to the naked man? That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If god had wanted us to run around naked, we would have been born that way.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine? They both leak when they're fucked!




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddam with three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until Saddam pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Saddam started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued. A minute later Bill saw Saddam press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Saddam moved but again nothing happened. Saddam was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Saddam had enough of this, stood up and said, "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"





 

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What do you call Italian women in a sauna?
A: Gorillas In The Mist!




#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Why Sex is Like Snow

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"




#4
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Why is Superman afraid of [ethnic] people more than Lex Luther?

Lex Luther will steal his identity. [Ethnic] people will steal his identity and his costume.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You might be a redneck if...

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".






 

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.




#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
A divorced billionaire was ordered by the Court to hand over a 49% share of his Corporation to his ex-wife. The Billionaire, we will call him Sam, was actively involved in acquiring properties wherever he chose. At an annual Board Meeting with his executives, the company stockholders, minus the ex-wife, were reviewing the land acquisitions during the time since Sam's divorce was finalized. They started a discussion of each property, one by one. "Fish Haven, Idaho, I see the aggression expression on that purchase", the one executive commented. Sam gave his nod of admission of its truth. The next company man made his statement, "Dog Walk, Kentucky", "Again we have an aggression expression, don't we Sam?" Sam concurred with that fact again. "Horse heads, New York," and the company man said, "Aggression Expression with DRAMATIC innuendo!" Sam was all too willing to say yes and be understood as an angry and vengeful man. The next property on the roster was Canton, Ohio. "Canton, Ohio?



#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right."

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There are four basic types of chain letters: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chain Letter Type I Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents, and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"I always try to avoid cliche's like the plague!"

- Rev. Wang Zeep




 

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Monday, June 15, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, June 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman!"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?






 

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Sunday, June 14, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, June 14th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: put spikes on her/his shoulder pads.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
A: Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
what do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? you pull the pin and throw it back how does a blonde kill a fish? she drowns it how does a blonde kill a worm? she burys it how does a blonde kill a bird? she throws it of a cliff how do you kill a blonde? you put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool/you put a condom on top of a flag pole




#4
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Technology Laws

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why do elephants have 4 feet? -Because 4 inches isn't enough.



 

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Saturday, June 13, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, June 13th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks" Are you hurt?" She replies. Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written!




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and Massachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass. Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba" and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation. Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics: Can I help you? Kin ah hip ewe? Hi, I'm Don Fowler. Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah. The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i. For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement in Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics: Ah axed ewe a quest-shun. I axed you a question, sukka. Ah be smaht. I be smarts now. Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me. Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me. If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school. And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind. Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.




#3
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
This man notices a blonde woman walking out of her house and opening her mailbox.

She peeks inside, then walks back in to the house. This went on and on about every 1/2 hour or so. Later that day while the man was mowing his lawn, the blonde came out of her house and checked her mailbox again.

Intrigued, he comments "You must be expecting a very important package to be checking your mail so much."

"No" responds the blonde... "I just got this new computer and it keeps telling me that I've got mail."





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."




#5
(Category: One Liners)
He's as sharp as a beach ball.



 

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Friday, June 12, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, June 12th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mamas so fat she sat on Saturn and skittles started falling out




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
  • Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

  • All bathtubs must have feet.

  • A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

  • All men driving motorcycles must wear shirts.

  • It is illegal to sleep naked.

    Hibbing

  • It shall be the duty of any policeman or any other officer to enforce the provisions of this Section, and if any cat is found running at large, or which is found in any street, alley or public place, it shall be the duty of any policeman or other officer of the city to kill such cat.

    Minneapolis

  • Red cars can not drive down Lake Street

    St. Cloud

  • Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.

    Virginia

  • You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street.







    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Q: What do you do when an Antartian throws a hand grenade at you?
    A: Pull the pin and throw it back.




    #4
    (Category: Nerd Jokes)
    A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains. She says to the clerk, "I would like curtains the size of my computer screen. The clerk says, "Why the size of you computer screen?" The woman replies, "Because I've got windows!"




    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)


    Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlanta.

    The brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.

    The brunette team down below is partying having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

    She decides to get up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

    The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

    One of the blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"





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    Thursday, June 11, 2009

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, June 11th, 2009

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.




    #2
    (Category: One Liners)
    You know when your old when your trying to get a tan, but you can't because the vultures are blocking out the sun.




    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)


    You're a redneck if .... The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.






    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Silent Labs

    Silent labs, difficult labs
    All with math, all with graphs
    Observations of colors and smells
    Calculations and graph curves like bells
    Memories of tests that have past
    Oh, how long will chemistry last?

    Silent labs, difficult labs
    All with math, all with graphs
    Lots of equations that need balancing
    Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
    Santa Chlorine's on his way
    Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.







    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

    After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

    The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''



     

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    Wednesday, June 10, 2009

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Funny Quotes)
    It's like an alcatraz around my neck.
    - Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces





    #2
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" Several men stood up as the lights came on. An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"




    #3
    (Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
    What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
    An epilectic.





    #4
    (Category: Murphy's Law)
    Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

    Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.





    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Lord,
    Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    the Courage to change the things I can,
    and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.



     

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    Tuesday, June 9, 2009

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
    La Machine.
    ...vegetables...vvrrrrr...
    La Machine.
    ...fruits...vvrrrrr...
    La Machine.
    ...little children...No mommy, No!...vvrrrrr...
    La Machine.




    #2
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

    When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".

    So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

    So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

    "How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.

    So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."







    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.







    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

    10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

    9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

    8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

    7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

    6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

    5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

    4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

    3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

    2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

    1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.







    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

    "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

    "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

    "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

    "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

    "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

    "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

    "Just how big were those two beers?

    "In God we trust, all others are suspects."






     

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