Sunday, May 31, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, May 31st, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove it wasn't a chicken.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
LIBRA Sep 23 - Oct 22

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man you more than likely are queer. Chances are good for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Libra's die of Venereal Disease.





#3
(Category: One Liners)
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

  1. Here honey, you use the remote.

  2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

  3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

  4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

  5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

  6. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

  7. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

  8. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

  9. We never talk anymore







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)


How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct

1. She is not a Babe or a Chick - She is a Breasted American.

2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.

3. She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.

4. She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.

5. She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.

6. She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.

7. She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.

8. She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.

9. She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attactive.

10. She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.

11. She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.

12. She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.

13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.

14. She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.

15. She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.

16. She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.

17. She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.





 

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Saturday, May 30, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, May 30th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What is the definition of ultimate rejection? Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.




#2
(Category: Political Jokes)
Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever's dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever. When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dog--but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and ate Osama's dog whole. Osama said,



#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.

Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver:

"Listen", he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!"

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:

"Are you crazy?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light -- do you want to get us killed?!"





#4
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach."
- Bill Muse





#5
(Category: Political Jokes)
Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified


 

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Friday, May 29, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, May 29th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Briteesh destraayed avar kantry faar 150 earss. let uss destraay deree laangvedge foryever.... Do yit yand yenjaaay.... :-) Yeast aar Waist aavar caantry iss da BAIST!!!!!!!!!!




#2
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Why don't [ethnics] become pharmicists?
- Because they can't fit the prescription bottles in the type-writer.





#3
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Two african american kids (a boy and a girl) go out trick or treating and stop at a lady's house for candy.

Lady: Who are you two supposed to be?

Kids: Hansel and Gretel

Lady: You can't be Hansel and Gretel, they're white.

So the kids went home and changed and went back to the lady's house.

Lady: Now who are you supposed to be?

Kids: Jack and Jill.

Lady: You can't be Jack and Jill, they're white.

Then the kids went home to change again but went back to the lady's house with nothing on this time.

Lady: What are you supposed to be this time?

Kids: Hershey bars, one with nuts and one without.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Top Ten Signs You're Suffering From Burnout

  1. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".

  2. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"

  3. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.

  4. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

  5. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

  6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

  7. You sleep more at work than at home.

  8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.

  9. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

  10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
GOLF - THE FOUR LETTER WORD EXPLAINED - Part 1

1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.

2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."

3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."

4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.

5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."

7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.

8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play;it is always possible to get worse.

9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.

10.I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.



 

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I give you now professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaim," He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
-"The Purist" by Ogden Nash




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game that would be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the Heavenly Host and the devil's own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But I hope that you realize that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right." Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and Massachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass. Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba" and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation. Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics: Can I help you? Kin ah hip ewe? Hi, I'm Don Fowler. Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah. The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i. For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement in Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics: Ah axed ewe a quest-shun. I axed you a question, sukka. Ah be smaht. I be smarts now. Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me. Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me. If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school. And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind. Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!

Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.

So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.

You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.

The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.

I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.

I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!

If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?

Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."




 

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're a redneck if .... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Who makes more money a drug dealer or a hooker? A hooker because she can wash her crack and reuse it.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?? He thought it was a delivery service.




#4
(Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"




#5
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.




 

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Society is like a stew.
If you don't keep it stirred up, you get a lot of scum on top.
- Edward Abbey





#2
(Category: Work Jokes)
Did you hear what happened to the optometrist?

He fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.






#3
(Category: One Liners)
Your photographs do you an injustice. They all look like you!




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.

To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me.

You what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.







#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
How long does it take an [ethnic] woman to shit?
Nine months.




 

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Monday, May 25, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, May 25th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba?
One wears a tie.




#3
(Category: One Liners)
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched languorously on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I got planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Man to a woman: Do you know the difference between a blowjob and a cheeseburger is? Woman: No Man: Lets have lunch sometime... Sent by jim



 

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, May 24th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.







#2
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?
- One in a million.





#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Michael Jackson was on Liz Taylor's yacht, when they hit stormy weather and Michael was thrown into the water.

They found him an hour later clinging to a buoy.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Long, but pretty good: On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ... One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... Your mother comes outa the bathroom and says "Y'all come look at this before
I flush it"



 

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, May 23rd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied."I only have to outrun you."




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.

When the day of the big fight arrived, the Americans showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Russian camp. The bookies predicted the Russians would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the American dog, the dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Russian beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Russians approached the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Americans replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a dachshund!"





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mama so old, she was around when Burger King was a prince.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.

Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.

And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.

Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."







#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says,

"I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago!"




 

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Friday, May 22, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, May 22nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Murphy's Law)
NBC's Addendum to Murphy's Law

You never run out of things that can go wrong.





#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"
- Linda Ellerbee





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"




#4
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED? A: Who cares?



 

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake , so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I ?"

He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine Miss Lewinski. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.

2. He lived at home until the age of 33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Proof That Jesus Was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was bilingual.

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

Proof That Jesus Was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion and finally

Proof that Jesus Was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.




#3
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Technology Laws

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two teachers at my high school started a practical joke war that culminated in a junk mail war of huge proportions. They finally called a truce and got it cleared up and the mail stopped, EXCEPT for the military mail that one had signed the other one up for. He wrote (honestly) that he had graduated from a fine college and was interested in the Marines, Air Force, etc. etc. When I left, about two years after this, he was still getting PHONE CALLS from 2-4 times a month.... they were VERY persistant even over he (loud) objections that he was 45 and not interested in a career change...




#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly and

said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."




 

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Familiarity breeds.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Another Month Ends:
All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


1:

2:

3:

4:

5:

6:

7:

8:

9:

10: They have tits






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.






 

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The Naming of Jesus A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ. One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews. The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named. When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head. "Jesus Christ!" he screamed, and that is how the baby was named.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.

"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.

If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman was walking in a graveyard when she saw a man kneeling by a grave shouting "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE???" Feeling sorry for the man she put her hand on his arm and said "Is that your wife your grieving for?" To which the man replied, "No it



#4
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
How can you spot the Polish Jew at the Wailing Wall?
He's the one with the harpoon.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:

The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.

During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher's bunsen. For safety's sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that's going?

I opened the cupboard 'neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, "Er, Sir..." just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!






 

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Monday, May 18, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, May 18th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives."
- Albert Einstein





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a kiwi all walked into a bar. The bartender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used be up and out for his morning walk at 5 a.m..

Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cherry!
Cherry who?
Cherry oh, see you later!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Chester!
Chester who?
Chester the nick of time!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Chesterfield!
Chesterfield who?
Chesterfield my leg so I slapped him!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Chicken!
Chicken who?
Chicken the oven, I can smell burning!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Chile!
Chile who?
Chile out tonight!






 

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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, May 17th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Yo mama is so fat when she went to school she sat next to everybody and let's not forget that!






#2
(Category: Religious Jokes)
A little boy walks up to preacher after morning service and says "When I grow up, I'm gonna give you a lot of money!".

The preacher laughs and says "That's great, why?".

The little boy answers "'Cause my dad says you're the poorest preacher we ever had!"





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

January 12, 1993

Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House.

Kyle's pair of sevens put him into the general election.







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Panting and perspiring, two blondes on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill.

"That was a steep climb," said the first blonde.

"It certainly was," replied the second. "It's a good thing we kept the brake on so we wouldn't have slid backwards."



 

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Saturday, May 16, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, May 16th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller?"

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"



#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A reporter heard Bush and one of his underlings talking in the hallway:

"Mr President, how do we know for sure Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?"

Pres says: "You think we're stupid boy??? We made copies of all the receipts!!"




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one. Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.



 

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, May 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in. Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.




#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President on the San Francisco earthquake





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's Laws: 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it. 4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. 5) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 7) The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.

Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.

Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab." When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?" After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings." "I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs." When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish." "Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?" "Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount." "Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess? A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."



 

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, May 14th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Have you heard the one about the . . . .

. . . executive who was so old that when he chased his secretary around the desk, he couldn't remember why.





#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man comes to the gates of heaven. The guard sees that he is wearing a white shirt, has long payos and a beard. "You look like you belong here," he says, "tell me a vort and I'll let you in." So, the man tells him a nice d'var torah and is let in.

Next, a guy walks up with a tweed jacket, brown shoes, blue shirt, and gray straw hat.

"Are you sure you have the right place?" says the guard.

"Yep, I was told to come here," replies the man.

"All right, tell me a vort and I'll let you in." says the guard.

The man replies, "How about you tell me a vort, and I'll shlug you up"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."







#5
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
The ad in the paper from the Humane Society read:
"Over 25 puppies will be put to death if not adopted. Please Help"




 

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Political Jokes)
The Brain Surgeon was about to preform a brain transplant.
"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a politician."

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a politician that much better?" he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it's not better, just unused."





#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."







#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick.




 

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Riddles)
Why did the bride wear her ring on the wrong hand?
Because she married the wrong person.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
She thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... You can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why did the nerd eat the fifth grader's math test??
Because it was a peace of cake!!





#5
(Category: Riddles)
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
- A nervous wreck.




 

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Monday, May 11, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, May 11th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A story I'll tell of a burglar bold

Who started to rob a house;

He opened the window, and then crept in

As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,

'Till the folks were all asleep,

Then said he, "With their money

I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;

He crept up close to the wall;

He didn't know it was an old maid's room

Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,

As under the bed he lay;

But at nine o'clock he saw a sight

That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;

"I am so tired," she said;

She thought that all was well that night

So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,

And the hair from off her head;

The burglar, he had forty fits

As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,

He was a total wreck;

The old maid wasn't asleep at all

And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,

She was as cool as a clam;

She only said, "The Saints be praised,

At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,

And to the burglar she said,

"Young man, if you don't marry me,

I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,

He hadn't a chance to scoot;

He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,

And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American
wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget
all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost
a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you
do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The
American and the Russian circled each other several times
looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged
forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold!


A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the
trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was
lost. He couldn't watch the ending.


Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer
from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to
see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit
the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top
of him, getting the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that
hold? No one has ever done it before!"


The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes
and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I
thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you
bite your own balls!"




#4
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind 2. No business.



 

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Sunday, May 10, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, May 10th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.
- Woodrow Wilson





#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant.

"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian. "Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course"

"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition.

"I'm not sure",replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!"

"Are you sure", said the Mortitian.

"Yes, come and have a look for yourself" ,said the assistant opening the body bag.

The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.

"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's her clitoris"

"Are you sure", said the assisitant, "'Cos it certainly tasted like a prawn".





#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"Since I brought along two cases of well-joggled wine, my main problems will be food and sex. Not oddly, they're the same problems a lot of people have everywhere on Earth."
- Jim Harrison





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
  1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
  2. Bandage left thumb.
  3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
  4. Bandage left foot.
  5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
  6. Light Match
  7. Light Match
  8. Repeat "a scout is cheerful" and light match.
  9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
  10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
  11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
  12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
  13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
  14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."
  15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
  16. When thunderstorm has passed, repeat steps.





      #5
      (Category: Funny Signs)
      In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
      You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.




 

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Saturday, May 9, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, May 9th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected? His Father: Everyone will have what he needs. LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat? HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:

People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the bears. "The bears are actually intoxicated up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover can be cross as a bear.







#5
(Category: Riddles)
How can you tell if you're overweight?

- You step on a scale at the amusement park and your fortune reads: "One at a time, please!"




 

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Friday, May 8, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, May 8th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
1: I didn't expect an answering machine.

2: Nobody expects an answering machine.

1: Our chief use is to get your name. And your phone number.

2: Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.

1: Oops! And your message message.

2: Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.

1: And time you called.

2: Oh, great, we'll have to start over.

1: No time for that, so just wait for the beep.







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"

"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.

"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"

"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank God, we're holding our own, anyhow!"







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're a redneck if .... Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State
Trooper to kiss her ass.






#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.

Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!

Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.

Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two--one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A brief synopsis...



 

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