Friday, November 5, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, November 5th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
What color Does a Smurf turn If you Choke it?




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.

Memorandum

To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000

Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.

Transportation

If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.

Lodging

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.

Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.

Meals

Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.

Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.

Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment

Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.

Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.

Miscellaneous

All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.







#3
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Jose's Axiom

Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.





#4
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Recipe (noun)

A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.





#5
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"



 

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Friday, October 29, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 29th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Political Jokes)
George Washington probably did not chop down his father's cherry tree. George Washington probably did not admit it by saying,



#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.




#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.

One summer day while on the way to her grandmother's house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains out!"

Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says."





#4
(Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes)
In a darkets night, a policeman watches a staggering man trying in vain to unlock a door.
"Is this your home, after all?" the policeman asks.
"Sure, I'll prove it to you if you help me."
Inside, the man explains, "You see, this is my bedroom. And this is my wife."
"And who is the man next to her?" the policemand wants to know.
"That's me!"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995


A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."






 

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Friday, October 22, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 22nd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Whats the difference between a man and a bathtub?
You can scrub the scum off of a bathtub.





#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Ever call MIT and get a wrong number - they have the strangest recording;

"We're sorry - you have reached an imaginary number at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try your call again."





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. "No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.

Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.

Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.

Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.







#5
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Army Law

  • If it moves, salute it
  • if it doesn't move, pick it up
  • if you can't pick it up, paint it.




 

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Friday, October 15, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 15th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, 'How's my driving? Call 1 800 ****"**.'

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What tea do footballers drink ?
A: Penaltea




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection -- a baseball bat -- to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers.




#5
(Category: Riddles)
What do you call an Indian with a wooden leg?
"Balansin"




 

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Friday, October 8, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 8th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Pessimist

Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"





#3
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Announcing C+- (Pronounced: C More or Less)

Unlike C++, C+- is a subject-oriented language (SOL).

Contributed by J. Favero, INTECS, Italy

Each C+- class instance, known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices, agendas or undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well as public members, known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are overridden as shown:

     >   better than     <   worse than      > >  way better than     <<  forget it >     !   not on your life     ==  comparable, other things being equal     !== get a life, guy! 
C+- is a strongly typed language, based on stereotyping and self- righteous logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in other, less realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to "preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the DoD to ensure compatibility with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods (WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.

C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive, volatile and non-Abelian.

Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim, known as the "Do what I mean" pragma.

ANSIfication will be firmly resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me."




#5
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Fun facts to know and tell:
PDP is just another abbreviation for Programmed Data Processors.



 

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Friday, October 1, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 1st, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."




#2
(Category: Marriage Jokes)
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.



#3
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
- By leaving the plunger in the toilet





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral.

The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"Very good," said the teacher.

The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk."

Very good," said the teacher.

The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades."

"Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't screw with my dad when he's drunk."





 

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Friday, September 24, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 24th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"It's like deja vu all over again."
- Yogi Berra





#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Love

Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.





#3
(Category: Idiot Jokes)
A big group of hunters were in the middle of the jungle and decided to split into smaller groups. Four fools decided to form one of the smaller groups and started walking.

After a while, one of them realized they were quite far away from the main group, and that they couldn't possibly find the way back. One of the other fools says to the other three: "I've heard that whenever you can't find your group, what you have to do is to shoot three times to the air and wait for someone to find you" They shoot three times to the air, wait a while, but nothing happens. So they shoot three more times to the air but, again, no one comes to help them. After trying three shots more the fool says: "I hope this time someone can find us... that was my last arrow"





#4
(Category: Political Jokes)
Bill Clinton goes to Hillary and asks her to go to Zimbabwe with him.

"Hell, no!" she tells him. I'd rather suck your dick than go to that dirty, smelly, third world country."

So she sucks his dick. When she's done she says, "Bill, your dick stinks."

"Yeah," he says. "Al Gore didn't want to go either."





#5
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?

They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.




 

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Friday, September 17, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 17th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"Computers let you make more mistakes faster than anything except handguns and tequila..."
- Mitch Ratcliffe





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What should you say if he asks you "Am I your first"? "You might be - you look familiar"




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? - Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a friggin' match?"




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
One more drink and I'd be under the host.
- Parker




 

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Friday, September 10, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 10th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What's the definition of lawyer?

The larval form of a politician.




#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect.

- Lazarus Long





#3
(Category: Animal Jokes)
Mother rabbit to her small bunny:
"A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men? Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.

The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.

He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"

"Huey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."

The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?"

"Duey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day."

The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"

The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."



 

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Friday, September 3, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Political Jokes)
No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the Legislature is in session.




#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Why do women like hunters?
  1. They go deep into the bush
  2. They always shoot twice
  3. They always eat what they shoot





#3
(Category: Political Jokes)
I heard that one of Pat Buchanan's relatives died at Auschwitz.

Evidently he fell out of the guard tower.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Actually
her doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke
to her sister and said, "Jennie, when I die and you put up a
gravestone. I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you.
"I want them to put my name on it and underneath":

"BORN A VIRGIN"
"LIVED A VIRGIN"
"DIED A VIRGIN"

She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker
of tombstones and explained what inscription she wanted. The
gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many
words to be put on a headstone.

Jennie complained that those words were her sisters dying
request and the gravestone maker reassured her that he would
see what he could do.

In about a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told
her the tombstone was ready, and that he had complied with her
dead sisters wishes as best as he could. Jennie looked at the
tombstone and across the top was her sister's name just as she
had asked, and underneath that was printed:

RETURNED--UNOPENED




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!" The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!" "No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"



 

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Friday, August 27, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, August 27th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One penny!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", the bartender replies.

"Four cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the man who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business."






#2
(Category: Riddles)
What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
- Bingo!





#3
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What do you say to an [ethnic] with a job?
- "Burger and Fries please."





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."







#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
There was a very rich old Irish man who had a little dog. It meant the world to him. When the dog died he went to the priest. "Father Murphy, my little dog is dead. I'd sure appreciate it if ye'd say a public mass fer 'im."

"Sorry, Patrick," said the priest, "we don't say mass fer dogs 'n the like. But you go on down there to the Protestant church. With their progressive thinking, who knows what they'll do!"

Well, Father, I wouldn't want to offend them. Do ya think a donation of a-hundred-thousand pounds would be fitting fer such a service?" Patrick asked.

"Now, Patrick, why didn't ye tell me that there little dog was Catholic in the first place?!"




 

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Friday, August 20, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, August 20th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Professional Jokes)
A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone.

The lawyer asks ``did you kill them?''.

``Yes'', she replies.

``What did you do with the bodies?''

``I threw them in the pool.''

... pause ...

``Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?''





#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn? A. You molest them!.




#5
(Category: Professional Jokes)
A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to reed and write"
The administrator said, "Yes we can, just fill out this form




 

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Friday, August 13, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, August 13th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."







#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
How do you stop a Pit Bull humping your leg?
Give it a blow job.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
They say that when a man holds a woman



#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
It was the final examination for a Calculus course at the University Of Minnesota. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 600 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet."

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

Just about half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?" he said.

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.




 

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Friday, August 6, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, August 6th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van? Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.
"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."




#3
(Category: Religious Jokes)
Dear God,

So far today,
I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

I am very thankful for that.

But, in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed; and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen





#4
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.

He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"

Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?



 

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Friday, July 30, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 30th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral Of The Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.





#2
(Category: Riddles)
What do you call a Jamacian proctologist?
- A Pokemon





#3
(Category: Elderly Jokes)
An elderly lady was sitting in a restaurant crying silently with tears collecting in a bowl of soup. Noticing this, the waiter walked over to her and politely said,"Lady that soup don't need no more salt".




#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Did you hear about the gay man who was fired from the sperm bank?

- He was caught drinking on the job.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this
gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm
greetings with the husband and walks off.

"Who was that?" demands the wife.

"If you must know, that was my mistress."

"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"

"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the
suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in
Mexico?"

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the
woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress."

"Oh... Well I think ours is much cuter."



 

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Is this really your third marriage? Sure is. What happened to your first two wives? They died. How did your first wife die? She ate some poisonous mushrooms. What about your second wife? She died from a severe skull fracture. How did she get a skull fracture? She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk. "Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?" "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I have enough money to last me the rest of my lifetime
(provided I live like a Canadian rat)




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Scientists are using the rovers to diligently search for life on the red planet. They have discovered water and ice. The search now depends on the successful discovery of empty gin bottles.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"



 

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Friday, July 16, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 16th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford

"My fellow astronauts..."
--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

"I stand by all the misstatements."
--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

"Gerald Ford was a Communist"
--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.

"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

"This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."
--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood

"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."
--James Baker, televangelist.

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

"What he does on his own time is up to him."
--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

"Facts are stupid things."
--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If Microsoft Built Cars



#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Why are Jewish men circumsized?

Jewish women don't want anything unless it's 20% off.




 

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 9th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."




#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
- The man





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're so dumb, when the police said you broke the speed limit, you offered to fix it..






#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells... "Look, hand cream!"



 

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Friday, July 2, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The town was in an uproar. An inmate of the local lunatic asylum had
escaped and had raped two women. Everybody was horrified.

Late that afternoon, the local newspaper's headline ran:

"NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS"





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman? A: The penis.




#3
(Category: Religious Jokes)
Three nuns died and went to heaven. Outside the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "I am sorry, I know you are nuns, but before I let you in, I have to ask you each one question, if you answer correctly, you can enter." "That's all right," they said.

"Okay," St. Peter said, he asked the 1st nun "Who was the first man on Earth?"

The first nun replied, "That's easy, Adam."

Bright lights came on the chimes sounded, and the Gates opened. The first nun entered.

Peter asked the second nun "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

The second nun replied, "That's easy, Eve."

Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened. The second nun entered.

Peter asked the last nun. "What were the first words that Eve ever said to Adam?"

The last nun replied. "Oh, that's hard....."

Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened.





#4
(Category: One Liners)
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.




#5
(Category: Political Jokes)
An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three parachutes. The pilot said, " I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 parachute. The Christian said, "I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that parachute for yourself." The Boy Scout got his parachute and was about to jump when he said, "Hey, there is one for you too. The world


 

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Friday, June 25, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 25th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"







#2
(Category: One Liners)
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... If the fifth grade is referred to as &quot;your senior year,&quot;




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!



 

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Friday, June 18, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 18th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Sunday, December 13, 1992

After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.







#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disc Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles.
It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.




 

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Friday, June 11, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 11th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect. He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said, "Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"




#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Why is 256 Ways To Make Love the most quoted book on the Internet?
- It's the F**king Manual





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Microsoft struck by DOS attack, chief suspect identified as God.
Redmond (Feb 28, 2001, 2:40 pm EST)

Microsoft (MSFT) reported today that their facility in Redmond, Washington was struck by a large DOS attack, in the form of a 6.4 magnitude earthquake. The company reported minimal damage, but has contacted the FBI.

Early investigative suspicion has focused on a shadowy character named GOD, who has been allegedly involved with such hacking attacks as the 3024 BC destruction of Sodom and several plagues within the Nile Delta.

GOD's spokesman, Gabriel, has denied responsibility but notes that "Microsoft could use a good Smiting (tm)"






#4
(Category: One Liners)
If it wasn't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand? A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.



 

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Friday, June 4, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 4th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I was recently on vacation in Main when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police partol cars. The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces. I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police?




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."







#4
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?

Divorcee'





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"



 

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Friday, May 28, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, May 28th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're a redneck if .... The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection
(you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat. "What animal is this?" she asked. "A cat!" said Eddie. "Good job! Now, what is this animal?" "A dog!" said Eddie. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard," called out Eddie.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
the patato says you should fell sorry for me my owner cuts me up and puts me in a salad, the banana says you should fell sorry for me my owner takes my close of and eats me,and the dick says you should fell sorry for me my owner put a rubber baloon on me and puts me in a sticky hole and makes me do pushups intull i throw up




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers.

She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?''

The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.''

The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.''




#5
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.




 

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