Friday, June 25, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 25th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"







#2
(Category: One Liners)
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!



 

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Friday, June 18, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 18th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Sunday, December 13, 1992

After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.







#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disc Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles.
It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.




 

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Friday, June 11, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 11th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect. He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said, "Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"




#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Why is 256 Ways To Make Love the most quoted book on the Internet?
- It's the F**king Manual





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Microsoft struck by DOS attack, chief suspect identified as God.
Redmond (Feb 28, 2001, 2:40 pm EST)

Microsoft (MSFT) reported today that their facility in Redmond, Washington was struck by a large DOS attack, in the form of a 6.4 magnitude earthquake. The company reported minimal damage, but has contacted the FBI.

Early investigative suspicion has focused on a shadowy character named GOD, who has been allegedly involved with such hacking attacks as the 3024 BC destruction of Sodom and several plagues within the Nile Delta.

GOD's spokesman, Gabriel, has denied responsibility but notes that "Microsoft could use a good Smiting (tm)"






#4
(Category: One Liners)
If it wasn't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand? A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.



 

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Friday, June 4, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 4th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I was recently on vacation in Main when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police partol cars. The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces. I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police?




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."







#4
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW?

Divorcee'





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"



 

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master