Saturday, August 29, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 29th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"





#2
(Category: Business Jokes)
Hey did you hear?
U.P.S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-Up





#3
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
An aggie, one of the elderly types, proceeded to try out for a part in a local College Station play. Sympathizing with his zeal for the part, the cast director agreed to include him in it, but under two conditions, he'd better do a heck of good job, and he would only get one line in the entire play: "Hark! the cannon just fired!"

So the elderly aggie goes home, brags to all his friends about it, and continually yells:

"Hark! the cannon just fired!"

"Hark! the cannon just fired!"

Finally on the night of the performace, during the highlight of the play, the booming sound of a menacing cannon shakes the entire theatre, the audience, in complete awe and silence... At the top of his lungs the aggie shouts:

"What the hell was that?!"





#4
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What does a blonde girl do when she wakes up?
Goes home.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day G-d was walking around heaven and decided He needed a


 

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, August 28th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo momma's so fat...

When she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials




#2
(Category: Religious Jokes)
Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage?

The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers.

The kid says, "Goodnight Mommy, Daddy, Grandpa, and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the Grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight Mommy, Daddy, and goodbye Grandpa" The next day the Grandpa dies.

The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight Mommy, and goodbye Daddy."

The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man takes his Rottweiler to the veterinarian. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he sighs, and says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What!," the owner screams. "Because he's cross-eyed!?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."




 

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"




#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Sign on a nuclear containment building:

WARNING: Radiation area. Prefaded genes only.





#3
(Category: Professional Jokes)
Patient: Doctor I've been seeing striped cows!"
Doctor: "Have you seen a Psychiatrist?"
Patient: "No only striped cows!"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word


 

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Once a woman told a man that they use alligators to make shoes.

He shook his head and said, "What will they teach them to do next?"






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia







#3
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Biology grows on you.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


1) It is on everybody's mind all the time.

2) Everyone is talking about it all the time.

3) Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.

4) Almost no one is really doing it.

5) The few who are doing it are:

a) doing it poorly;

b) sure it will be better next time;

c) not practicing it safely.






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "grandpa, talk like a frog."

The Grandpa replied "What?, I'm not going to talk like a frog!"

The little boy again asked, "come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please."

Grandpa again said "No! Go bother your grandmother."

The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later the little boy's sister came in and said "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?"

Grandpa of course replied, "NO!"

The little girl then said "Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog"?

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, "what is it with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"

The little girl looked at her grandpa and said "Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are going to go to Disney World."



 

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?

Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.







#2
(Category: Animal Jokes)
Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?




#3
(Category: One Liners)
Few women admit their age. Few men act it!




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress.
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"




#5
(Category: One Liners)
What happened when the barman died?
The police held an inn-quest




 

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Monday, August 24, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, August 24th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!"

The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat.

The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it."

He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says...I know Karate!"

The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"




#2
(Category: Riddles)
Why does the king stand on the balcony high above the people?
So he can pee on the peons.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
DO you know how to find a sexy frog???

Look under a horny toad.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.






 

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Saturday, August 22, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 22nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
What do a perfect 10 and a tampon have in common?
- They're both stuck up cunts.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Judi came into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

Judi replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."

Judi very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know."

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be OK? What's wrong?"

Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!"





#3
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Mathematicians-

Say A
Write B on the board
Mean to say C
The answer is D





#4
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
Sugar is somethingthat makes cereal taste awful if you don't put any on!

(Submitted by Autumn)



#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.''

The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''

The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''





 

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Friday, August 21, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, August 21st, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Question/Answer Jokes)
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."





#2
(Category: Kid Jokes)
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
So there's this fella with a parrot, and this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard , and yells, "quit it!" but this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you " and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggrivates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. Then it gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that came over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)


I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months...

I don't like to interrupt her.





 

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, August 20th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast."




#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
So, this guy keeps going to several doctors because they all think that he looks terrible. "You look horrible," they all say.

"But I feel great!" he always replies.

They continue with tests and more tests.

"Doctor, I feel wonderful," he protests.

"But you look bad," they all rebutted.

Finally one discovered, "Looks bad but feels great. He must be a vulva!"






#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're so short, you could play racquetball on the curb.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball....stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"



 

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What did they call the first Chinese test tube baby?
- No Fun Son





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."




#3
(Category: Riddles)
Why did the siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could learn to drive.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"







#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
A man is gambling in the casino and wins $1000.

He decides to celebrate and goes out looking for a hooker. He finds a hooker and says he wants a blowjob.

The hooker says "No Problem, $500."

Our hero says "Hey, that's a lot of money for a blowjob!"

The hooker replies "Do you see that BMW convertible over there? I paid cash for it because I give the finest blowjobs in town!"

Our hero pays the hooker the money, gets his BJ and goes back to the casino a very happy fellow.

The next day, he's in the casino and wins $2000. Again, to celebrate, he goes out looking for a hooker.

He finds the same one. He says "Today I wanna fuck you in the ass."

The hooker says "No problem, $1000"

Our hero says "Hey that's a lot of money just for anal sex!"

" The hooker responds "Do you see that penthouse apt. up there? Well I paid cash for it because I have the nicest ass in town!"

Well, our hero pays the hooker, goes about his business, and goes back to the casino with a smile on his face.

The next day, our hero leaves the casino looking for a hooker. He finds the same one. He says "Today, all I want is a little pussy."

The hooker replies "Do you see that new shopping mall they're building across the street?

Our hero answers "No! Don't tell me you own that shopping mall too?"

The hooker answers "No! But you can be Damn sure I would if I had a pussy!"




 

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Sunday, August 16, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, August 16th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A farmhorse and an old racehorse were in the stables one day when the farmhorse says:

"I hear you ain't never lost a race"

"Yep" -- says the race horse.

"Well, I think I can beat ya, ya old nag."

And so they laid out a course. When both horses were ready, they began. From the beginning the race horse was way out front with the farm horse running his heart out to catch up. About halfway through the course, the race horse looks back and sees the farm horse pumping away, frothing at the mouth and he feels sorry for the farm horse. He decides to let him win. Eventaully, bones creaking, muscles snapping from the effort, the farm horse crosses the finish line. With a smile on his face, he slows to a stop, falls over and dies.

"Well," says the race horse, "at least he died happily".

At this point, two cows that had been watching the race come over and say: "Hey, that means you're not the fastest anymore, right?"

The horse looks up and says "Holy sh*t! Talking Cows!"






#2
(Category: One Liners)
Who is General Failure and why's he reading my disk?




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The 2000 Darwin awards!

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.

First Runner Up Award goes to ...

(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....

(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"



 

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Saturday, August 15, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used interchangeably.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar." The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so he lets them stay. The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes." The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry, telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog, to which she agrees. They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his thing and once again, the dog just lays there. The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna show you one more time.........."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below) 1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken by the first member. 2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of the viands devoid of contents. 3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male human. 4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for the subdivision of edible tissue. 5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same pathway. 6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation. 1. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after. 2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so.......(I don't remember the words) They ate the platter clean. 3. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a plum And said "What a good boy am I!" 4. Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice. 5. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. 6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow. With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.

''Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver.

''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks.

''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.''

''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead?''

''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!''




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.

"Here we go again."



 

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, August 13th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Love

The nicer someone is, the farther away she/he is from you.





#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.





#3
(Category: Kid Jokes)
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.



#4
(Category: Professional Jokes)
A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.
There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If I want to hear from an asshole, I'll fart!



 

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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Too long a sacrifice Can make a stone of the heart.
- William Butler Yeats





#2
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Trapezoid

A device for catching zoids.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
We Three Students Of Chemistry Are

We three students of chemistry are
taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
worrying all the time.

O room of wonder
room of fright
Room of thermites
blinding light:
With your energies
please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sonata!
Sonata who?
Sonata such a big deal!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sondheim!
Sondheim who?
Sondheim soon!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sonia!
Sonia who?
Sonia be another year older!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sophia!
Sophia who?
Sophia the cat before dinner!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Sonia!
Sonia who?
Sonia paper moon...!







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How does a women hold her liquor? By the ears.



 

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Saturday, August 8, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 8th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?

Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.





#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Maier's Law

If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.


Corollaries

  1. The bigger the theory, the better.
  2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.





#3
(Category: Question/Answer Jokes)
Did you hear about the calendar thief?
He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath? Throw in your laundry.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he


 

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name".
- Mike Binder





#2
(Category: One Liners)
Q:What goes up but never comes down?
A:Your age.




#3
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Do you know why redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve?

1. The DNA is all the same.

2. There are no dental records.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

Shamrock
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"






 

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