Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said,
"She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says "I want my $20 million." To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!




#3
(Category: One Liners)
Synonym is what they put on a certain kind of bun!!!

(Submitted by Autumn)



#4
(Category: Question/Answer Jokes)
What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door?



#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn


 

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, September 29th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
How can there be self-help groups?




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Blondes dumb?!?!? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?"

"Hello, is this KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State.

He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz, and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."





#4
(Category: One Liners)
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Incompetence is a double-edged banana.

Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician

Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.

Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'

Interchangable parts won't.

Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.






 

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Monday, September 28, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, September 28th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks: "why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...




#2
(Category: Funny Signs)
In a classified ad:
"Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."





#3
(Category: One Liners)
I don't care about Y2K. Guess you could call me Y2K complacent.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Canada's worst air disaster: Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.






 

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Sunday, September 27, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, September 27th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring." As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet." As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"




#2
(Category: Family Jokes)
A child with an apple approached her mother after a meal and asked, "Mummy, mummy please make the apple naked for me."

After being stung by a bee a child told her mother, "The bee kissed me so hard



#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- George Burns





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


One fine day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."






#5
(Category: One Liners)
On the other hand, Rome was burnt in a day.



 

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Saturday, September 26, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, September 26th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Three guys, a father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As they are on the way out to the first tee they are joking, bullshitting, and cussing, very much the men's day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says that her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them.

The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman.

The kid kind of grumbles that now they can't cuss and bullshit around.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game."

The guys say O.K. and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up as she bends over to place the ball.

She then proceeds to knock the shit out of the ball right up the middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I will give each of you a blow job that you will never forget."

The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the cup."

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the ball and says, "Fuck the putt, that's a Gimme."




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
my aunt shirlene is so dumb,she thought that manual labor was the name of a hispanic male.

(Submitted by Anonymous)



#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Anal sex is a pain in the ass.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A hill country husband died and left everything to his wife. He put a provision in his will though that she couldn't touch any of it until she turned 14.




#5
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
You have taken yourself too seriously.



 

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, September 24th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?




#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
- Carol Leifer





#3
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
Why does a blonde insiste on using a condom?
So she can have a doggy bag for latter.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.

She hears:



#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart




 

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
American University Grading Procedures Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELEGION: - Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A.




#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Why does it take twice as long to make a male snowman than it does to make a female one?
It takes a long time to hollow out the head.





#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
What did the sign s on the door the door of the Whorehouse say?
"Beat it - We're closed"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're a redneck if .... You've been too drunk to fish.






#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What do you get when cross a gay Eskimo and a Black?
A snowblower that doesn't work.




 

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Sunday, September 20, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, September 20th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Murphy's Law)
First Law of Safe Driving

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand,and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.



 

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Friday, September 18, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, September 18th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

When both sides are convinced they're about to lose,
they're both right.





#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"Brain work will cause women to go bald."
- Berlin professor, 1914.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A state trooper pulls over a woman on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.






 

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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, September 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What do you call two Vietnamese in a Dodge Charger?
"The Gooks of Hazzard".





#2
(Category: Religious Jokes)
There was this Father from the town's Catholic Church who would visit the area's nursing homes.

One day upon entering his last nursing home he was met by the head nurse. She said "Mrs. Smith has been waiting for you all day, and she wanted to make sure you didn't forget her."

The Father apologized for being so late and went on into Mrs. Smith's room. He sat next to her and started talking and said a little prayer for her. Then Mrs. Smith started to talk about her day. While he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her.

The father Interupted, and asked if he could have a few of the peanuts.

She of course said yes, and continued on and on, talking about her day.

The Father interrupted her again and said "Mrs. Smith I'm sorry, I've eaten almost all your peanuts."

Mrs. Smith looked at him and said, "Don't worry about it at all, I can't eat peanuts, I just like to eat the chocolate off of them."





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're so stupid, you asked for directions to the house next door to yours.






#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.






#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded. "If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean."

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect." And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

"Please don't get angry," she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" she demanded.

He said, "Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry."




 

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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, September 13th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
How many men does it take to clean a bathroom?
- None, it's a woman's job





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.




#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss





#4
(Category: Murphy's Law)

Hindsight is an exact science.





#5
(Category: One Liners)
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.



 

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, September 12th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A new business was opening and one of the
owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the
occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to
complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious
mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather
than getting angry you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place
today, and they have flowers with a note
saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'."




#2
(Category: Entertainment Jokes)
Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!






#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?

If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.







#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
A man went into a tatoo parlor and told the owner that he wanted a tatoo of a $100 bill on his penis.

The owner asked "Why?"

Said the man, "I like to play with my money, I like to watch my $100 grow, and my wife can blow $100 on a moment's notice."





#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
How do you stop an [ethnic] from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.




 

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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
They Told him that it couldn't be done,
But he with a smile replied
That maybe it couldn't, but he wasn't one
Who'd give up until he'd tried.
So he jumped right in with a determined grin,
And put all his effort into it.
He tackled that job that couldn't be done...
And by gosh, he couldn't do it!
-Ogden Nash




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How does a blonde drown a fish?
She puts it under water.

How does a blonde kill a bird?
She throws it off a roof.

How do you know if a blonde likes you? She sleeps with you 2 nights in a row.

How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.

What do you call a virgin blonde?
A myth.




#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. 

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

 Your water is hard, get a softener.   Your dog has worms,  get him shots.   Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic.   Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer.   And if you don't stop jerking off,  Your tennis elbow will never get better! 





#4
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
The owner of a small computer store was getting tired of fixing the exact same problem over and over on computers for people...one day 3 customers came in at the same time. He looked at them all and said. Everyone one of your computers gave me this error message "Error you have a syntax IDtenT error.and asked them to right it down. All of them got out their pens and wrote IDtenT error, he smiled then told them. No that's not how you write it is the number "10". So they all wrote it again...ID10T error




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident? A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-start their new submarine.



 

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What goes in and out and smells of piss? The Queen Mother




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The Y-Zero-K Problem Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much time left. I don't know how citizens will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of this earlier and not left it to us to sort it out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was working out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It is an ill wind... . As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass will flow upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero K problem. I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. If you have any ideas please let me know, Plutonius Sent by Marina




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You are so stupid that you flunked special-ed






#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A couple go to Mexico City for vacation and go to a famous local restaurant. They ask the waiter's opinion about what to order, and he tells them they have a special each Sunday that's wonderful, so the couple order that.

With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping; it smells delicious and tastes even better.

The couple are delighted with their meal and ask the waiter just what the fabulous meat dish was. "Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate.

The couple are a bit taken aback by what they had just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.

Six months later, the couple returns back in Mexico City and decide to go to the same same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.

Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table. But this time there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.

The man says, "excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this one so small?"

The waiter smiles and replies, " Well you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A brief synopsis...



 

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Monday, September 7, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, September 7th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Know why Bryant Gumbel left NBC?
A: He was tired of all the back-biting!




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
#60911300-P FRENCH UNDERGROUND ARMY KNIFE

Seventy-two different functions in one compact pocket model -- THE KNIFE, of finest French underground steel. Unfold it bit by bit: it's a hacksaw, a double-edged hatchet, a portable wireless, even a lavatory, all in an instant! Flick the appropriate blade, and voila! You have a vegetable scraper and pineapple corer. Plus all the standard features you expect in such a knife: scissors, nail file and escargot extractor. Our newest model features a complete set of tools for wilderness survival: car jack, socket wrenches and lug nut remover. What more can we say? It's all here in one clever, compact model, featuring elegant, versatile chrome and black enamel finish. TOTAL COST: $29.95, includes 72 multi-purpose functions and accessories. SHIPPING WEIGHT: 45 lbs.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Boy: Those clothes are very becoming on you! Girl: Why thank you! Boy: Of course, if I was on you...I would becoming too!




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... vacation... apple... I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.






 

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Sunday, September 6, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, September 6th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Bob, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Bob, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup playoffs. I put my foot through the television."





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Do you like my new jacket?

It's great. Shame your body doesn't suit it, though.








#4
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...






 

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Saturday, September 5, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, September 5th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"




#2
(Category: One Liners)
Death is hereditary.




#3
(Category: One Liners)
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John "Yes, I will." Paula replied. "Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked. "Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you." she answered with a wink. "How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John. "Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly. "That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mama is so fat when she went to skool she sat next to everybody and let's not forget that!



 

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Friday, September 4, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, September 4th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Q. Why did the jellybean go to school?

A. Because he wanted to be a smarty





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."







#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
This olw women was feelin some pinchin pains in her "you know what"

So she went to a doctor and said "I have pains what are they?"

The doctor said "Honey you've got crabs."

The girl said "How could that be? I'm a virgin."

The doctor repeated "Belive me, you've got crabs."

She went to another doctor and he said that same thing.

However, the third doctor had a different diagnosis. He said "Honey you don't have crabs, your cherries are rotten!"





#4
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Being fingered by Captain Hook.





#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Why do Puerto Rican women wear pointy shoes?
To kill the roaches in the corners.




 

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure.




#2
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Iraqi TV Guide

MONDAY

8:00 Husseinfeld

8:30 Mad About Everything

9:00 Suddenly Sanctions

9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY

8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror

8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right

9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things

9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY

8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer

8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy

9:00 Just Shoot Me

9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY

8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi

8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H

9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses

9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY

8:00 Judge Saddam

8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things

9:00 Achmed's Creek

9:30 No-witness News






#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mama is so fat it takes 2 planes and a bus to get on the her good side.




#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Did you hear about the little colored kid that had diarreha?

He thought he was melting...




 

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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Did you hear about the Irish lamp post?
A: It peed on the dog.




#2
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck are construction workers for a tall building. On their lunch break they sit at the top together. The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says:
"If I get one more burrito in my lunch, that's it, I'm going to jump!" The Irishman says: "If I get potatoes one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!"

The Redneck says:
"If I get a bolonga sandwhich one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!"

The next day, they all get the same thing and they jump. At the funeral, the Mexican's wife is crying, and she says, "If I only knew, I would have made him something different."

The Irishman's wife says, "I can't beleive it, I wish I made him something different!"

The Redneck's wife says, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."





#3
(Category: One Liners)
Q: How do you make a bandstand?



#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Seminars for Men COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks) COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions FOR COUNSELING CALL 1-CHA-UVI-NIST



 

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