Sunday, January 31, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!" Sent by Kelly




#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
What's all this I hear about 'Endangered Feces'?


What? That's 'Endangered Species'? Never mind.

- Emily Latella





#3
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
When Jake Parsons died and went to heaven he saw a guy at the gate who said, "Jake Parsons...let's see...oh, yes. You go down that hall and into the third door on your right."

So Jake went past the first door and looked in. Inside was Atilla the Hun standing alone in a dark room. Suddenly a spotlight hit the opposite wall and a door opened and out stepped the most disgusting, ugly, vile, wart-covered woman... A voice boomed out: "Atilla the Hun, you have been very evil! Your punishment is to spend eternity with this hag!!!"

Jake walked on further and looked into the second room. Adolph Hitler was in there, the room was dark, and a spotlight hit the opposite wall and this even more disgusting old hag walked into the room. A voice boomed out: "Adolf Hitler, you have been very evil! Your punishment is to spend eternity with this hag!!!"

So Jake finally came to his door, opened it and entered a dark room. Suddenly a spotlight hit the opposite wall, and out stepped Michelle Pfeiffer...! Jake was delighted. Just then a voice boomed out: "Michelle Pfeiffer, you have been very evil...!"





#4
(Category: Animal Jokes)
Why did the turtle cross the road?



#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.






 

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Saturday, January 30, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, January 30th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?




#2
(Category: One Liners)
What's the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don't know and I don't care!




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
for you girls... Why is 88 better than 69? You get 8 twice.




#4
(Category: Animal Jokes)
Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?
Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals.



#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: Well, you've got it again!






 

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Friday, January 29, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, January 29th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
One day three ducks were swimming in a pond when a police officer pulled over the first duck. The officer asked, "What's your name and what are you doing here?"

The duck replies "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the pond."

The officer saw no reason to ask anything else so he let him go. The officer then pulled the second duck over and asked, "What's your name and what are you doing?"

The second duck replied, "My name is Quack Quack and I'm blowing bubbles in the pond."

The officer then let him go as well. The third duck swam by and the officer said, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the pond too."

The third duck said, "No, my name is Bubbles."





#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)

Statistical Bureaucracy

As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by sex."

One of the memos was returned with the notation:
"I'm sorry: we know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, have two alcoholics."





#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.

He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor the suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks "what happened?"

To which the man replies "She choked."





#4
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?

- A whine and cheese party!





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop? An 'Amish' drive-by shooting



 

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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"




#2
(Category: Family Jokes)
A small boy came running downstairs, shouting,



#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have." The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?" He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."




#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
All I got for Christmas was a sweater... I would have prefered a screamer or a moaner.



 

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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, January 27th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead and one's a blonde.

The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the brunette yells, ''EARTHQUAKE!!!'' Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, ''Ready! Aim!'' Suddenly the redhead yells, ''TORNADO!!!'' Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!'' and the blonde yells, ''FIRE!!!'''




#2
(Category: Business Jokes)
Two barbershops were in red-hot competition. One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 7-dollars. His competitor put up one that read,



#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."




#4
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Three newlywed couples were having breakfast together at the honeymoon hotel's restaurant. When the food finally arrived, the first husband, eager to display his love for his bride said, "Pass the honey, honey."

Not to be outdone, the second husband said "Pass the sugar, sugar."

The third wife looked at her husband, expecting similar treatment. Not to be outdone he blurted out "Pass the pork, pig."





#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
CUNT (Acronym)

Cant Understand Normal Thinking.





 

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, January 26th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."







#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President





#3
(Category: One Liners)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade four.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"







#5
(Category: Riddles)
What fashion trend do priests follow?
Cross dressing.




 

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Monday, January 25, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, January 25th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
It seems that the recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. However the Recreational Director asked " If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?" It was agreed. so when they all sat down he called out "Stand up, nuts" Everyone stood up "Sit down, nuts" Everyone sat down. "Look behind you nuts" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the 3rd inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion, people running helter skelter. He asked what happened. A person said "Someone called out "Peanuts"





#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Technology Laws

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.





#3
(Category: Sports Jokes)
The minister was on the golf course when he heard a duffer, deep in a sand trap, let loose a stream of profanity.



#4
(Category: Political Jokes)
Politics gives yesterday's answers to today's questions.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."






 

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Sunday, January 24, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, January 24th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Some of the best humor is real-to-life. This story was related to me yesterday by the pastor himself (not a computer literate person by his own admission) as he told of a real phone call he received from the church secretary last week.

Secretary: Pastor, we've got a problem in the computer lab where you met with the confirmation class last week. Some of the boys in the class started messing with the mice.

Pastor: What?!?! {thinking: we've got mice in there????}

Secretary: Yeah, it seems some of the boys removed their balls.

Pastor: {incredulously:} Th..th...they did what?????? How in the world did they do that?

Secretary: They must have used a screwdriver or something.

Pastor: We've got some pretty sick boys... I... I... didn't even realize mice had balls...

Secretary: Yeah, they roll around on 'em.

Pastor: What?????? {still thinking of the little fury real animals} Well...what can we do?

Secretary: I guess we'll have to put 'em back on.

Pastor: WHAT????????!!!!!!

Secretary: Hmmm....Pastor, are we talking about the same thing?!






#2
(Category: One Liners)
An archeologist is a scientist whose career lies in ruins.




#3
(Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes)
A giraffe walks into a bar and the bartender asks,



#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice.



#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? A. They both have balls just for decoration.



 

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, January 23rd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Three guys are trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs.

The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is you packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan - OH NO. He's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They spot him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walks up the registration table and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)


The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerl.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.






#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were camping when they ran out of food. The brunette went out hunting, and came back the next morning with a deer.

"How did you get that?" asked the redhead.

"Well," said the brunette found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the deer.

The next night the redhead went out hunting. The next morning she came back with a bear.

"How did you get that?" asked the blonde. "Found the tracks, followed the tracks, shot the bear," said the redhead.

The third night the blonde went out and the next morning she came back brusied, bloody, and clothes torn.

"What happened?" asked the brunette?

The blonde replied, found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by the train.






#5
(Category: Animal Jokes)
Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri?
To show the opossum it could be done.



 

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Friday, January 22, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, January 22nd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch dick? A: Nothing. They all make woman's eyes water.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the worst part about eating vegetables? A: The wheelchair.




#3
(Category: One Liners)
Wisdom is running after mankind ...

... but mankind is quicker !





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture on a cold winter.
A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut
across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and
wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the
other side. "Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is
trying to pull the wool over our ice."






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
5 blondes were in a car driving to Disney. When they saw a sign that said "Disney Left". So they turned back and went home.



 

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Thursday, January 21, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, January 21st, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

Shamrock
Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge. What these fail to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number. They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that theives have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I just pulled one on somebody -- I slipped some of those anti- shoplifting strips into the lining of the victim's favorite jacket. I was set to pull another one, but didn't get the chance - to cut out a silhouette of a gun from metal and hide it in a piece of carry-on luggage.




#4
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
What did the canibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
- Wiped his ass.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?" The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em can't I?"



 

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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Religious Jokes)
The Three Stooges died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates and told them that, in order to enter Heaven, each one had to answer a question correctly. If they gave the wrong answer, they would end up in Hell.

St. Peter turned to the first stooge and asked: "What is Easter?"

The first stooge replied "That's when kids get dressed up in costumes and go door to door collecting Trick or Treat."

"No, stupid", said St. Peter. "That's Halloween. You're down to Hell!"

St. Peter turned to the second stooge and asked "What is Easter?"

The second stooge answered "That's when the fat man in the red suit comes down the chimney and leaves gifts for everybody."

"No, you moron", said St. Peter. "That's Christmas. Go down to Hell!"

St. Peter turned to the third stooge and asked, in a very exasperated tone of voice, "What is Easter?"

The third stooge answered "That's when Jesus rises out of his grave."

"And..." said St. Peter.

"And, if he sees his shadow there's another six weeks of winter!"





#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Duct Tape is like the Force.

It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Two policemen are considering the problem of catching the bandit. One of them starts to calculate the optimal mixed strategy for the chase. The other policeman protests.

'While we're doodling,' he points out, 'he is making his getaway.'

'Relax,' says the game-theorist policeman. 'He's got to figure it out too, don't he?'"







#4
(Category: Riddles)
What do you call a Jamacian proctologist?
- A Pokemon





#5
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Arab Coffee (noun)

Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint.




 

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Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, January 19th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
DIRECTIONS for MICROSOFT TV DINNER

1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners.
2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:
4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted.
5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
6. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. 7. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
7. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
8. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
9. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
10. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.




#2
(Category: One Liners)
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.



#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Not only is there no God, but try to get a plumber on weekends.

Woody Allen in Getting Even





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his date by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "She must have really put an impression on you for you to keep calling her those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name.




#5
(Category: Elderly Jokes)
An old man is talking to his friends. He says,


 

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Monday, January 18, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, January 18th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"




#2
(Category: Riddles)
Why do doctors spank newborns?

- To knock the weenies off the smart ones!





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What's a famous saying at a gay bar? May I push in your stool. Sent by Jeff




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A history joke
What was King Arthur's favourite game?
Knights and crosses!

A history joke
Where was the Declaration of Independance signed?
At the bottom!

A history joke
Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes, the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

A history joke
Wish I had been born 1000 years ago!

Why is that?
Just think of all the history that I wouldn't have to learn!

A history joke
Did the Native Americans hunt bear!

Not in the winter!







#5
(Category: Professional Jokes)
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."




 

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Sunday, January 17, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, January 17th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, you look terrible." Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver." Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?" "No, I'm Mother Theresa.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"




#3
(Category: One Liners)
The cheapest way to have your family tree traced is to run for a public office.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A guy hooked up with a girl from Mexico. After dating for a few weeks, they begin to have sex. One night while they were having sex, the girl starts yelling "PERJUCIO AGUJERO, PERJUCIO AGUJERO" faster and louder as they reached their orgasm. The guy didn't know what she said but took it as some sort of praise.

The next day as he was playing golf with his friends. He was bragging about how lucky he got the night before. When he got a hole in one, he shouted "PERJUCIO AGUJERO!" They stared at him and said, "what do you mean 'wrong hole?'"




#5
(Category: One Liners)
I got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.



 

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Saturday, January 16, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, January 16th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree? Wave at him.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.) ENGLISH 1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question? a. b. c. d. e. none of the above 2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______ a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak 3. pork:algae :: green:_______ a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red 4. mugger:park :: king:_______ a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak READING COMPREHENSION Read the following carefully and answer the questions below. In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots." Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists. Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia. 1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking? a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media 2. The term "most Western" means a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct 3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats b. The sun has sunspots c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer d. all of the above MATHEMATICS 1. Which of the following is a number? a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5 2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from Grover? a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only 3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the watch's value? a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above /\50 6/\ 5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2 of the figure at the right. / 2 | a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ | d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10 e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__| 6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him? a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities. These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no idea. a. 2 b. 15 a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square whose area is 10 whose area is 10 a. my dad b. your dad a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa a. something b. nothing a. a mountain b. a molehill




#3
(Category: One Liners)
His home is free of mice and cockroaches -- they refuse to live in the same place as him.




#4
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied:

"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"





#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
So it goes

- Kurt Vonnegut




 

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Friday, January 15, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, January 15th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.




#2
(Category: One Liners)
Q. Did you hear the Energizer Bunny Was Arrested?
R. Charged With Battery!





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What was Moby Dick's father's name? Papa Boner.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...




#5
(Category: Professional Jokes)
-Doctor,doctor,what did you say.... Piscis, Aquarius...???
-No! I said Cancer.!!!



 

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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, January 14th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Signs)
On a bumper sticker:

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.





#2
(Category: Religious Jokes)
During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

"That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?"

"Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."

"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"

"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"





#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"A few weeks after my [breast cancer] surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling 'Hey, come back here with my breast!'"
- Linda Ellerbee





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What is a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?
A: You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.



 

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, January 13th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"

His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"







#2
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
A blonde decided she had to earn some extra cash. Having grown up in a house full of brothers who she used to help out, thought she might try her hand at odd jobs.

She decided to go to the richest part of town as the most likely place to find well-paid odd jobs.

Knocking on the door of the first mansion she came to she explained to the owner that she was able to perform odd jobs and was there any work available.

The man told her
"Yes, in fact, we need our porch painted. Can you go and have a look and let me know the price."

The blonde knocked on the door a few minutes later and said "I can do the job for $50." The man was delighted and told her that the paint, ladders, and anything else she needed were kept in the garage.

In the meantime the man told his wife about the deal. She said "I hope she realises the porch goes half way around the house".
He told her "She went to look and gave him me a price - and I'll hold her to it! After all - she had to have been standing on the porch to get to the front door!"

About 30 minutes later there was a knock on the back door and it was the blonde asking for her money. The man was surprised and said
"I am impressed. You finished much faster than I expected - did you get all of it?"

"Yes" she replied.

As he was reaching in his pocket for the $50 she said

"By the way, it's not a Porsche - it's a Ferrari".





#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Did you hear about the new gay version of Forest Gump?
It's called, "Sorest Rump"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .

  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

  2. You ski uphill.

  3. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

  4. You speed walk in your sleep.

  5. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

  6. You answer the door before people knock.

  7. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

  8. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

  9. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

  10. You sleep with your eyes open.

  11. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

  12. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

  13. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

  14. You lick your coffeepot clean.

  15. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

  16. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

  17. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

  18. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

  19. You chew on other people's fingernails.

  20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

  21. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

  22. Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

  23. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

  24. You can jump-start your car without cables.

  25. Cocaine is a downer.

  26. All your kids are named "Joe."

  27. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

  28. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

  29. You don't sweat, you percolate.

  30. You buy milk by the barrel.

  31. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

  32. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

  33. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

  34. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

  35. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

  36. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

  37. People get dizzy just watching you.

  38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

  39. You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

  40. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

  41. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

  42. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

  43. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

  44. People can test their batteries in your ears.

  45. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

  46. Instant coffee takes too long.

  47. You channel surf faster without a remote.

  48. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

  49. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

  50. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

  51. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

  52. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

  53. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

  54. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

  55. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

  56. You get drunk just so you can sober up.

  57. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

  58. Your Thermos is on wheels.

  59. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

  60. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

  61. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

  62. You short out motion detectors.

  63. You have a conniption over spilled milk.

  64. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

  65. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

  66. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

  67. You don't tan, you roast.

  68. You don't get mad, you get steamed.

  69. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

  70. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

  71. You can't even remember your second cup.

  72. You help your dog chase its tail.

  73. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

  74. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

  75. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.

  76. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

  77. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.







#5
(Category: One Liners)
"The impossible we do at once. The unimaginable takes three to five business days"



 

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, January 12th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.




#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A husband took his wife to play her first round of golf.....

Nervous, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique lamp was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that lamp for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like 2 million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a beautiful home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that lamp and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about a couple of hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 36," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said, "Thirty-six years old and both of you still believe in genies?




#4
(Category: Kid Jokes)
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".
"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" came the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"



 

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Monday, January 11, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, January 11th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Holiday Party Festivity Levels Level I: Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves, and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree. Level II: Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments. Level III: Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Level IV: Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to get to Level III is egg-nog.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How do you confuse a blonde?

Give her a package of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.




#3
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
The plural of spouse is spice.




#4
(Category: Funny Quotes)
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner





#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"




 

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Sunday, January 10, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, January 10th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Christmas in West Virginia

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.

The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,

While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.

Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick

I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!

On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice

But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


I've just come back from the beauty parlor!

What a pity it was closed!






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're a redneck if .... There is a stuffed 'possum anywhere in your house.





 

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