Friday, July 30, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 30th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral Of The Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.





#2
(Category: Riddles)
What do you call a Jamacian proctologist?
- A Pokemon





#3
(Category: Elderly Jokes)
An elderly lady was sitting in a restaurant crying silently with tears collecting in a bowl of soup. Noticing this, the waiter walked over to her and politely said,"Lady that soup don't need no more salt".




#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Did you hear about the gay man who was fired from the sperm bank?

- He was caught drinking on the job.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this
gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm
greetings with the husband and walks off.

"Who was that?" demands the wife.

"If you must know, that was my mistress."

"Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!"

"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the
suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in
Mexico?"

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the
woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress."

"Oh... Well I think ours is much cuter."



 

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Is this really your third marriage? Sure is. What happened to your first two wives? They died. How did your first wife die? She ate some poisonous mushrooms. What about your second wife? She died from a severe skull fracture. How did she get a skull fracture? She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk. "Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?" "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I have enough money to last me the rest of my lifetime
(provided I live like a Canadian rat)




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Scientists are using the rovers to diligently search for life on the red planet. They have discovered water and ice. The search now depends on the successful discovery of empty gin bottles.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"



 

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Friday, July 16, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 16th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford

"My fellow astronauts..."
--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

"I stand by all the misstatements."
--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

"Gerald Ford was a Communist"
--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.

"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

"This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."
--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood

"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."
--James Baker, televangelist.

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

"What he does on his own time is up to him."
--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

"Facts are stupid things."
--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If Microsoft Built Cars



#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Why are Jewish men circumsized?

Jewish women don't want anything unless it's 20% off.




 

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 9th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."




#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
- The man





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're so dumb, when the police said you broke the speed limit, you offered to fix it..






#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells... "Look, hand cream!"



 

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Friday, July 2, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The town was in an uproar. An inmate of the local lunatic asylum had
escaped and had raped two women. Everybody was horrified.

Late that afternoon, the local newspaper's headline ran:

"NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS"





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman? A: The penis.




#3
(Category: Religious Jokes)
Three nuns died and went to heaven. Outside the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "I am sorry, I know you are nuns, but before I let you in, I have to ask you each one question, if you answer correctly, you can enter." "That's all right," they said.

"Okay," St. Peter said, he asked the 1st nun "Who was the first man on Earth?"

The first nun replied, "That's easy, Adam."

Bright lights came on the chimes sounded, and the Gates opened. The first nun entered.

Peter asked the second nun "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

The second nun replied, "That's easy, Eve."

Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened. The second nun entered.

Peter asked the last nun. "What were the first words that Eve ever said to Adam?"

The last nun replied. "Oh, that's hard....."

Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened.





#4
(Category: One Liners)
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.




#5
(Category: Political Jokes)
An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three parachutes. The pilot said, " I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 parachute. The Christian said, "I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that parachute for yourself." The Boy Scout got his parachute and was about to jump when he said, "Hey, there is one for you too. The world


 

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