Thursday, July 30, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, July 30th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over. '' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mama's so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.




#4
(Category: Idiot Jokes)
The doctor told the idiot to take this medicine after a hot bath.
He could hardly finish drinking the bath!




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island. Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing. Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing. Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.



 

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson, so she dresses up like Satan and decides to hide in the dark and scare him when he gets home.

So the man comes home and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, ''You don't scare me I've been married to your sister for 20 years!'''




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes," replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Sent by Katie-Anne




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."







#4
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Johnson came home unexpectedly from a business trip to find his wife in the arms of his best friend. He staggered back and said, "Max! I'm married to the lady so I HAVE to. But why you?"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Christmas Santa
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"






 

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Monday, July 27, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, July 27th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The scenery is here.
Wish you were beautiful.




#2
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Glazing (verb)

Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?"





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
SAT score decay As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years. The following may be the reason why. A math problem in the 60's A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit? A math problem in the 70's A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit? A math problem in the 70's using New Math A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits? A math problem in the 80's A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20. A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education. By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sone Hose A and Hose B?



 

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Signs)
Outside a Church:
Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting

8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles

7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?

6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters

5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day

4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"

3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center

2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island

1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Wonder Bread helps build strong bodies 12 ways.

Name 3 of them.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass. The first cow said "Moo." And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"



 

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What has 300 legs and seven teeth?
- The front row of a Willie Nelson concert





#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
What's the differnece between a condom and a coffin?
They both hold stiffs, but one's coming and the other is going.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a man approaches him.

"Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is John Tapay, and I'm here with an extremely important client. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, John'."

Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

Bush waves and says, "Hello, John!"

The man replies, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.






#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in. The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?" "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor. The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!" "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!"



 

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, July 21st, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].







#2
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why do blondes drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it.





#3
(Category: Funny Signs)
On a bumper sticker:

Hang up and drive.





#4
(Category: Funny Quotes)
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.

- Pope John Paul I, September 1978





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A little boy and his dad are standing in line at the grocery store behind a big fat lady. The little boy says, "hey dad, look how fat that lady is!" "Shhhh, quiet son, she'll hear you." "But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice!" "But dad, look how big and fat that lady is!" "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, don't say that son, it's not nice and it's rude!" Suddenly the fat lady's beeper goes off. "Look out dad, she's backing up!"



 

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, July 20th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Technology Laws

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Cat Diary:

 

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

 

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

 

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only coo-ed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm, not working according to plan.

 

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

 

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

 

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe even snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.





#3
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?

"Oh, it's not gonna be that kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"





#4
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Did you hear about the blonde who asked her friends to giver her all their burnt out light bulbs?

She just bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Coca-Cola is good for your teeth. It kills those pesky germs that can cause cavities.



 

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, July 19th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Religious Jokes)
The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Chanukah.

She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble... I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty.

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia... So nu, what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms.
He approached the man and asked reverently, "Aren't you Moses?"

But the man wouldn't listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, ''Aren't you Moses?''

The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me -- Aren't you Moses?"

The man replies, "I'm not saying a thing! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!"




#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door."

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question."

The little eskimo timidly says, "May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?"

The Mother Superior answers, "There are no midget nuns living here."

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, "Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question."

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, "Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?"

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, "Why no, I don't believe so."

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. "See", he says to the little eskimo, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of? Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.



 

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Saturday, July 18, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, July 18th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You might be a reneck if...

You have to check your coke can before you take a drink just in case you have mistaken it for your spit can.

You have accidentally taken a drink from your spit can.

Your wife asks you what you want to be when you grow up.

You see a forest fire and think 'Bar-bee-Q'.

You've ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because it's easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Your grandma can bench press a ruck axle.







#3
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why do blondes use tampons?

Because crabs like Bungie Jumping too.





#4
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Dilberted

To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."





#5
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."




 

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, July 17th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."




#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747.

I said "Hi Jack."

He shot me.







#4
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Calorie (noun)

Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.





#5
(Category: Riddles)
What is big and purple, is covered with green fur, has 13 arms and 34 legs, eats celery and goes "Borf borf!"?
- Nothing.




 

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, July 16th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Freudian Slip (noun)

A Freudian Slip is when you mean to say "Please pass the salt", but it comes out as "You damn bitch, you've ruined my life".





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.






#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York, you can survive anywhere. But if you can survive anywhere, why live in New York?
- Edward Abbey





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding. "Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be," he replied. "Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"




#5
(Category: Religious Jokes)
For Catholics, death is a promotion.



 

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?




#2
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?

A white one starts off with "Once upon a time...".

A black one starts off with "Yo ass ain't gonna believe dis shit..."





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.

The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! Runna Mickey!"

The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.

"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins to walk to first base.

The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"

"No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."

And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud Joe. Walka proud."





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2000, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows 2000."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2000. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2000] as early as November first."

Christmas 2000 is scheduled for release in December of 2000, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2001. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline forfiling income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoftcontrolling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are muchslower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over theyear."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that"Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may notbe in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man islooking to retire in Redmond.



 

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, July 14th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Religious Jokes)
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"

The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop."

"Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi.

"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Arch Bishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously.

"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"

"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal", said the priest.

"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could be elected Pope, but..."

So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, is there any way to go up from being the Pope?"

"What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"

The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it." From dpn@panda.UUCP (Rambo) Wed Aug 28 12:40:51 1985 Newsgroups: net.jokes





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
After having had several drinks in a bar, a man staggers out and starts walking down the road with one foot in the gutter and the other on the curb.

A policeman runs up to the man and says, "Hey! You're drunk!".

Whereupon the man says, "Gee thanks, Officer, I thought I was crippled".





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
USENET Parody No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change a lightbulb? A1. Define "change" A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out? A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls. A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it elsewhere. A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs. A6. Well, that's because you're a twit. A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong. A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit? A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk about lightbulb fans instead of flaming? A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop? A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something. A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to post or not post. A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou, Libertarian Party Candidate for President? A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits. A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb???? A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff! A17. What "stuff" pray tell? A18. Yikes! It's dark in here! A19. Define "dark". A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out. A21. So change it. A22. Define "change"...




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Did you know that they are going to change the name of the Dallas Cowboys' Stadium?
It's going to be called Drug Emporium.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I resent that remark." said the blonde as she rose from the
cafeteria table. "I'll give you 5 seconds to take that back."

"Oh yeah?" snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing
was head and shoulders above the blonde. "Suppose I don't take
it back in five seconds ?"

"Well..." stammered the blonde, "how much time do you need ?"



 

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, July 13th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.




#2
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
A blonde walks into a store that makes curtains. She says to the clerk, "I would like curtains the size of my computer screen. The clerk says, "Why the size of you computer screen?" The woman replies, "Because I've got windows!"




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Why do blondes use tipex on their computer screens?
A: They couldn't find their eraser.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Red is frequently associated with passion because it is the color of fire. Those who take this seriously need to be reminded that there is such a thing as arson.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."






 

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Sunday, July 12, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, July 12th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"




#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)

There are two kinds of adhesive tape:

that which won't stay on and that which won't come off.






#3
(Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes)
A homeless person walks into a bar. He asks the barman for a cocktail stick. The barman, being a nice guy, gives the man a cocktail stick. The guy thanks him and leaves.

A couple of minutes later, another homeless guy comes in and asks for a cocktail stick. The barman, getting rather confused gives him one and watches him leave.

Another homeless guy comes in and asks for the same thing.

A fourth homeless guy comes in and asks for a straw. The barman asks "Don't you want a cocktail stick like all the others?"

The homeless guy says "No thanks. Someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone!"





#4
(Category: One Liners)
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons?




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh no, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."




 

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Saturday, July 11, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, July 11th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What's a blonde's greatest ambition?

To be like Vanna White, and learn the alphabet.





#2
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
- Henny Youngman





#3
(Category: One Liners)
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa?




#4
(Category: One Liners)
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

-Ashleigh Brilliant





#5
(Category: One Liners)
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.



 

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, July 10th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.

The first one is called in, and asked, "What is two plus two?"
She answers, "Four," and is asked to leave.

The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, "What is two plus two?"
He also answers, "Four," and is also asked to leave.

The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked, "What is two plus two?"
He answers, "What do you want it to be?"




#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Seen written on a stall in a mens bathroom in Wisconsin:
My wife follows me everywhere.



Written just below it:

I do not.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says,





#4
(Category: Riddles)
Why can't gypsies have babies?
Because their husbands have crystal balls.





#5
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.




 

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, July 9th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
When I'm a little old lady, then I'll live with my children and bring them great joy.

To repay all I've had from each girl and boy I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door.

I'll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I'll hang my head.

I'll run and I'll romp, always fritter away ..... the time to be spent doing chores every day.

I'll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they're busy I won't leave them alone.

Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer ... and never pick up what I drop on the floor.

Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I'll plead for allowance whenever I wish.

I'll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they've mopped it, I'll flood it some more.

When they correct me, I'll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye.

I'll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I'll take them again.

I'll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal .... Eat my banana and just drop the peel.

Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I'll break lots of dishes as though I were four.

What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children....just the way that they lived with me!







#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works, 'cause the light always turns green."
- Troy Peterson





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life".

Of course the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.




 

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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

(With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Q: What's the difference between Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky.

A: Close, but no cigar.






#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender "Give me six double
vodkas." The bartender says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like
women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What do you get a lawyer for his birthday?

Briefs!! ha!ha!




#5
(Category: Question/Answer Jokes)
How come the pony couldn't speak?
Because, he was a little horse.



 

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? Eight beers.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
yo mama is so scary she walked into a ghost house and got a job




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked. "He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder than I am." "Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day a city bus driver picked up a woman that was carrying a paper bag full of oranges.
There were no empty seats so she had to hang on by a strap in the aisle. After traveling a few blocks the driver had to make a sudden stop.
This caused the woman to almost fall down and several oranges fell to the floor. As she bent over to pick them up she expelled gas making some loud noises. The bus driver remarked "that's right lady, if you can't catch them, shoot them"




 

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Monday, July 6, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, July 6th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Do you know why they have a bucket of shit at an [ethnic] wedding?
- To keep the flies off of the bride.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're so fat that you bleed chocolate milk.






#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A wizard joke
What happened to the stupid wizard who put in his false teeth back to front?
He ate himself!

A wizard joke
What do you call a wizard lying in the gutter?
Dwayne!

A witch joke
Why do witches have stiff joints?
They get broomatism!

A wizard joke
What happened to the wizard who brushed his teeth with gunpowder?
He kept shooting his mouth off!

A witch joke
What's evil and ugly and goes up and down all day?
A witch stuck in a lift!

A witch joke
Why didn't the witch sing at the concert?
Because she had a frog in her throat!

A witch joke
What do you get if you cross a witch and an iceberg?
A cold spell!







#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said:

You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. 

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

 Your water is hard, get a softener.   Your dog has worms,  get him shots.   Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic.   Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer.   And if you don't stop jerking off,  Your tennis elbow will never get better! 





#5
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.




 

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Sunday, July 5, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, July 5th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Quotes)
A witty saying proves nothing.

- Voltaire





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
So one sperm says to the other "When do we get to the ovaries?" The other replies "Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!"




#3
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
A Polish man finds a jeannie lamp on the beach, he rubs it and the jeannie comes out and says: "I grant you one wish."

He said to the jeannie, "I want you to build me a bridge to Poland."

The jeannie said: "No one can build a bridge that long, you have to pick another wish."

He thinks for a minute and said: "I want you to make all my family and friends in Poland smart so people don't put them down."

The jeannie replies, "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The complaint letter from Judi: We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff. Sined by the blonds at the ofise (sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a mistake)




#5
(Category: One Liners)
Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!



 

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-The Joke Master

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, July 4th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer, and a blonde with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...





#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
A man who has had a terrible accident walks into a doctors office. He has lost his penis, but the rest of the package is intact. He has met a woman who he feels is very special but his shortcoming leads him to lack confidence.

Man: "Doc, there's got to be something you can do for me?"

Doc:"Well, give me a week to do some research."

A week later the man eagerly returns.

Doc: "Well, I'm afraid none of my colleagues could help you but I've got a friend who is a taxidermist. He gave me the last 6-inches of an elephant trunk. It's your only option."

Man: "I don't know Doc. If it's my only option, let's go for it."

The man has the operation and leaves the hospital to test out his noew equipment. He takes his lady friend to a really nice restaraunt. The couple is engaged in some light conversation and the man starts to feel pretty good about the situation. They are looking at the wine list and the waiter brings them a basket of rolls. All of a sudden something comes out from under the table, grabs a roll, and dissapears back under the table. The woman pushes her chair back and starts freaking out. To calm her the man says;

"Don't be alarmed hun. It's a little trick, and I'm the only one who knows how to do it."

Woman: "That was pretty neat. Can you do it again?"

Man: "I think so but I don't know if my asshole can take another roll."





#3
(Category: Religious Jokes)
Joe Shmoe and Sam Shlam were buddies all their lives. When they died, Joe went to heaven, but Sam went to the other place.

Heaven was a gorgeous garden with fountains and flowers, serenity, contemplation, and serious conversation. After some time, Joe wondered how Sam was faring, so he asked the recording angel if he could visit his erst-while friend. Sure, said the angel, here s a weekend pass.

Hell proved to be a real swinging place filled with pubs and betting shops and massage parlors. Sam had done very well and now owned his own disco joint. The two pals had a great time.

Next week, Joe again asked for a pass to go down to hell. But you were just there, said the angel, why do you want to go again?

Oh, said Joe, thinking fast, I left my harp in Sam Shlam s disco.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
yo mama's o fat she supplies 99% of British gas.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You so ugly, last time you got ass was when your toiletpaper broke!



 

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Friday, July 3, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, July 3rd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
It seems that The Count on Sesame Street was giving a lecture on his thoughts on Godel's Theorem and there was a great need for extra transportation services to this event. After all, people like Gordon, Bob, Maria, Mr. Hooper, and all can only take so much of the "Which is not like the other" mentality. Anyway, since the Speedy Delivery Service run by Mr.McFeeley (what a name for a character on a children's show!) was being pushed out of Mr. Roger's Neighborhood by Federal Express, he thought he would sign on as a bus driver for the Sesame Street Bus Company. Besides, he was do for another trip to the Magic Kingdom and that was getting expensive these days.

On the morning of the big event he kissed his wife goodbye and hopped onto his bus and began driving his route. At the first stop there were two rather plump twins, so he stopped. As they got on he said "Hi there! Welcome to the Sesame St. bus! I'm Mr. McFeeley, who are you?" The twins said "We're named Patty" and they then waddled to their seats. He started to drive and at the next stop he saw a rather dejected looking man and stopped to pick him up. "Hi there", said Mr. McFeeley,"why do you look so said?" The man said, " I have no friends and I'm terribly lonely." With that Mr. Mcfeeley replied,"what is your name?" The man replied, "Saul". "Well, you can be my special friend Saul", said Mr. McFeeley. The man looked much happier and skipped to his seat. Mr. McFeeley then went on his way to the next bus stop and saw two men waiting, though one looked rather familiar. He stopped and gave his greeting to the first man. Mr. McFeeley learned that his name was Lester Cheese. Mr. McFeeley then recognized the other man to be Don Rickles. Apparently he looked to be in some kind of pain. "Welcome to the Sesame Street Bus Mr. Rickles! You look like you're in a lot of pain." "That's right, I've got bunyons you hockey puck!" And with that Mr. McFeeley completed his route to the symposium.

When Mr. McFeeley returned home his wife said, "How did it go today dear?" Mr. McFeeley replied, "Just great! I had two obese Patties, a special friend Saul, Lester Cheese, and Don Rickles with Bunyons all on the Sesame Bus!" They then took their valium and went to the Magic Kingdom.





#2
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?

To keep from bruising their ears.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Let's say there is a hundred dollar bill in the center of a room. In each of the corners there is a person. In one corner there is a Santa Claus; in another, the Easter Bunny; in another a smart Antartian and in the last a dumb Antartian. They all notice the hundred-dollar bill in the center of the room. They all make a dash for the bill... who gets to the bill first???
Answer: The dumb Antartian; the others don't exist!!




#4
(Category: One Liners)
<-------- The information went data way --------




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Sorry Texans.... A Texas game warden came upon a coyote caught in a trap. He returned to his office and called the Oklahoma game warden and told him one of his coyotes was caught in a trap. "How do you know it's one of our coyotes?" asked the Oklahoma game warden. "Well," replied the Texas game warden, "He's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped!"



 

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