Wednesday, July 15, 2009 :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, July 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from for today!:

(Category: One Liners)
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?

A white one starts off with "Once upon a time...".

A black one starts off with "Yo ass ain't gonna believe dis shit..."

(Category: Miscellaneous)
A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.

The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! Runna Mickey!"

The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.

"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins to walk to first base.

The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"

"No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."

And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud Joe. Walka proud."

(Category: Miscellaneous)
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

(Category: Miscellaneous)
NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2000, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows 2000."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2000. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2000] as early as November first."

Christmas 2000 is scheduled for release in December of 2000, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2001. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline forfiling income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoftcontrolling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are muchslower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over theyear."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that"Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may notbe in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man islooking to retire in Redmond.


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