Friday, April 30, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 30th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)


A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.

So the man said,





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"




#3
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?

Because that's what they train for all their lives.





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"







#5
(Category: Funny Definitions)
BASIC (Acronym)

Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control




 

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Friday, April 23, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 23rd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Why did Gary Condit cross the road?
A: To make sure his girlfriends aren't carrying any I.D.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"



 

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 16th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!







#2
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?

The back of her head.





#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Working here is like a nightmare. You'd like to get out of it, but you need the sleep.

- A Whack in the side of the head
Roger von Oech, Ph.D.
Warner Books, 1983





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"






 

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Friday, April 9, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 9th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What's the first problem the MJ's child will have in life? Figuring out which parent is his mother.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines. "Don't know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."




#3
(Category: Riddles)
How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.





#4
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God to Man: "So you would love her."

"But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God replies: "So she would love you."





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one just live by a dog


 

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Friday, April 2, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 2nd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Minn. (UPI) - Analysts for the long-awaited, and much-heralded CRAY-7 SuperSuperSuperComputer met today in Minneapolis to discuss telecommunica- tion issues for the new machine. The CRAY-7, scheduled for delivery early next year, features a 6.5 psec(picosecond) cycle time on each of its 4096 processors, which share a 64 Kbank memory, each bank to hold 256 Gigawords of 128 bits each. CRAY Research has announced that the CRAY-7 will be cooled by submerging the entire 2.4 cubic inch spherical mainframe in the ice-moon Io, off the southern coast of Saturn. When operational under the MULTI-CUE(TM) Operating System, the CRAY-7 will simultaneously support interactive access for every man woman and child on Earth with guaranteed response time of 14.5 msec(microsecond) or better, while running real work on its 4094 background processors. Power for the new system will be ob- tained by running a drop cord from Io to well in- side the orbit of Mercury, where the intensity if the Solar flares can be converted to HyperElectri- city. The Rings of Saturn will act as a secondary storage device (a.k.a. Rotating Mass Storage) for the CRAY-7.

It is reported that much of the CRAY-7 CPU- time will be devoted to the design of the CRAY-10.





#2
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Why are most Blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them.
The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog.

"His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search."

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"







#4
(Category: Funny Quotes)
A wife who chortles is an irritation, but one who also regards herself as a wit is a social nuisance.
- Patrick F. McManus





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."



 

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