Friday, March 26, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, March 26th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Elderly Jokes)




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do,

Father." "Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing."

"Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father." "You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously. "

Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"






#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,

C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah,

you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,

on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,

no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,

right now !




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,
Mike







#5
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"



 

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Friday, March 19, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, March 19th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Funny Definitions)
Absurdity, n.:

A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"





#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach.

One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!"





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."





#4
(Category: Elderly Jokes)




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Henry Abel's son, David, burst into the house, crying like everything. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama."



 

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Friday, March 12, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, March 12th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Why are baseball players so cool?
A: They always have their fans there!




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
If you aren't a little bit nervous,
then you don't understand what's happening.
-John Young





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're a redneck if .... When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!






#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife ?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed ! "What happened then ?" they asked, almost in unison. "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man !' " he admitted.



 

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Monday, March 8, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, March 8th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Riddles)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall?

- Art





#2
(Category: Religious Jokes)
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."

"How much did you win?"





#3
(Category: Riddles)
What do you call a bunch of morons standing on a corner eating apples, drinking Tab, and singing songs?
- The moron Tab-n-apple choir





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?? An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A: A women who won't do what she's told.





 

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Sunday, March 7, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, March 7th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
How do you make Mexican chile?
Stick a popsicle up his ass.





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An American will say, "Hot day!" A Canadian will say, "Hot day, eh?" meaning "It's a hot day, isn't it?"

This is something deeper than spelling or pronunciation. It goes to the heart of the less-assertive Canadian character. The United States was born when Americans revolted against King George III and asserted their independence. Canada never came to a similar point of self-assertion and that little word "eh?" is their refusal even to assert that it's a hot day without inviting somebody else to verify it.

One definition of a Candian is "a North American who refuses to join the revolution".

Another way to tell the difference between a Canadian and an American is to invite the suspected Canuck to lunch and watch him eat. If he's really upper crust, he'll eat like an Englishman, with knife and fork held firmly in his right and left hands. He'll cut with his knife, pack the results on the back of his fork and convey the food to his mouth with the fork still in this left hand.

Many an American eats with knife and fork, too, but in a different way. He takes the knife in his right hand and the fork in his left to cut up the food. Then he puts the knife down and takes the fork in the right hand to convey the food to his mouth.

A common garden-variety Canadian does the job differently. He doesn't use his knife at all, except for particularly stubborn steaks and other such tough foods. Instead he takes the fork in his right hand and leaves the knife beside his plate. Then he cuts the food with the edge of the fork and feeds himself with the fork held in the same hand.

But suppose all these tests are inconclusive. There's one more, rather dangerous, way to tell a Canadian from an American. Just remark to the suspect that Canadians and Americans are so much alike that it's hard to tell one from the other. If the person involved is an American, he'll probably agree.

But if he's a Canadian he'll let you know, in no unterms, that you're wrong. And that stubborn sense of difference is one main reason why the two countries, despite similarities, remain separate.

(I'm pretty sure I agree with the last statement, but I'm not too sure if I like being called a wimp that doesn't even dare to assert that it's a hot day. (Which it is today.) And I'm tremendously relieved to know that I'm upper crust when it comes to eating. -KO)







#3
(Category: One Liners)
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

-National Lampoon's Deteriorota





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Newfoundland, My Newfoundland
(Oh, Christmas Tree, Oh, Christmas Tree) by Brenna Lorenz

Convection's cell was at thy door, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Thy ancient heart to pieces tore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Great faulted blocks came crashing down, and flood basalts the land did drown,
And clastics coarse fell all around, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!

Iapetus began to spread, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Detritus from thy coast was shed, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Thy slope was draped, so proud and great, with massive banks of carbonate,
Grand bank to meet so sad a fate, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!

For flysch encroaching from the east, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Devoured thy margin like a beast, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
The ocean floor was raised on high, its mafic head reared to the sky;
Its chromous threat was drawing nigh, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!

Your once-proud bank was bowing down, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Subduction did thy margin drown, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
The angry mantle did desire to smother thee with ash and fire,
And close Iapetus entire, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!

The island arc with fiery breath, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Did shower all the land with death, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Until subduction's starving throat, on Grenville crust was made to choke,
The tyrant's rule collision broke, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!

The land subsided in its pain, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Olistostromes in chaos reigned, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Then in Caradoc time there came a shale everywhere the same
That blanketed thy wounds and shame, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!

Behold! Upon thy ancient shore, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
A landmass was annealed once more, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland,
Alas! Thy trials go on and on, for rifting struck the Avalon -
The cycle must repeat anon, Newfoundland, my Newfoundland!







#5
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What do the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

They've both swallowed a lot of semen.




 

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Saturday, March 6, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, March 6th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How does Michael Jackson know its time for bed? When the big hand is on the little hand.




#2
(Category: Professional Jokes)
A fellow with a bad cough comes in to the pharmacy, walks up to the counter and asks for the pharmacist. A young clerk tells him that the pharmacist is not available. The man asks the young clerk if he can recommend anything for his cough.

The clerk gives him a bottle of some medicine for his cough. The customer takes a big swig, then after a few minutes, with no apparent relief, he takes another, and another.

In a short while, the pharmacist returns, and sees his old friend, the customer with the cough, sitting quietly in a booth near the soda fountain. He says to his clerk that the fellow has never before stopped at the soda fountain.

The clerk proudly tells the pharmacist the story of his transaction. The pharmacist looks at the recommended medication and angrily reprimands the clerk for recommending a laxative, instead of cough syrup.

The clerk reminds the pharmacist the whatever the mode, the medication was effective. The pharmacist replies, "Now, he's afraid to cough!"






#3
(Category: Animal Jokes)
A woodpecker was pecking a whole in a tree. All of a sudden, a flash of lightening struck the tree to the ground! The woodpecker looked bemused for a moment and then said: "Gee, I guess I don't know my own strength!"




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You dad's like cement, it takes him two days to get hard!




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!" He says, "Aha!"



 

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Friday, March 5, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, March 5th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The Scholar: After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir," answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh" replied the scholar, "it was obvious."





#2
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Why Sex is Like Snow

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.





#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Pragmatism is the philosophy of doing that which works, no matter what your mother might have told you.
- Patrick F. McManus





#4
(Category: Professional Jokes)
A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding." The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?" The man then said, "yes". "Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Son, a good wife is like a faithful dog. When she up and dies, you don't take in a new one, no matter how much Alpo you have left over.

- Lorne Greene




 

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"




#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient said "I'm f**king nuts!"





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They tell software to code around it.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside her room.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What are you doing!?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."



 

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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Dirty Jokes)

Bad Pickup Lines

  • Did you trip over a tree on the way here?
    No?
    How about a root?

  • I've thought you were beautiful since I first saw you through the smoke and haze from the other side of the night-club, now that I'm closer I can see that smoke doesn't only give you heart disease and lung cancer, it also distorts your vision.

  • You look like the kind of girl that could light up the whole room with a smile, like a million watt light bulb.
    Wait for her to smile
    Hmm.. I was wrong, but that's OK, candle light is cool.

  • Do you want to fuck?
    No?
    Well, would you lie down while I have one?

  • What's a girl like you doing sitting on the end of my knob?
    Whoops!
    Sorry, wishful thinking.

  • I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

  • My friends and I saw you over here, and decided that a girl as beautiful as you can't be left to sit on her own. So, we drew lots to see who would come over here and ask you to dance. I lost, so here I am.

  • Look, you're a nice girl, I'm a nice guy. Would you like to take a shower?

  • I'm an organ donor. Do you need anything?





#2
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
What does a blonde say when she sees a banana skin on the floor?
"Oh great... I'm gonna trip again."





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.

Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.

Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.

Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.







#4
(Category: Funny Signs)
Classified Ad:
Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box,
Comes With Its
Own 1988 Mustang, 5l, Auto,
Excellent Condition $6800





#5
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
When a man and a woman get married they need a Marriage License.

When Lesbians get married, they need a Licker License.




 

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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
After the Hail Storm A blond left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blond came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

The other blond responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What was the First Commandment? "Adam, eat my pussy."




#3
(Category: Entertainment Jokes)
At a party the hostess served a guest a cup of punch and told him it was spiked.
Next, she served some to a minister.



#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
yo mama so ugly,when she lookes out the window she got arested for mooning




#5
(Category: Question/Answer Jokes)
Q: Why do shoemakers go to heaven?
A: Because they have good soles.



 

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Monday, March 1, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, March 1st, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and was sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmers mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole.

The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"

So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my "thingy" and pull yourself up". And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a mercedes to pick up a chick!




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what's that in the dark? OH NO, not a... a... a... Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.)







#3
(Category: Murphy's Law)

A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.



 

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