Sunday, February 28, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, February 28th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You're a redneck if .... Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.

"You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh."

"N, eh."
"D, eh." And that's how they named Canada...




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common?
A: They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."




#5
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck are construction workers for a tall building. On their lunch break they sit at the top together. The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says:
"If I get one more burrito in my lunch, that's it, I'm going to jump!" The Irishman says: "If I get potatoes one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!"

The Redneck says:
"If I get a bolonga sandwhich one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!"

The next day, they all get the same thing and they jump. At the funeral, the Mexican's wife is crying, and she says, "If I only knew, I would have made him something different."

The Irishman's wife says, "I can't beleive it, I wish I made him something different!"

The Redneck's wife says, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."




 

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Saturday, February 27, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Business Jokes)
Three businessmen were having dinner at a club. When it came time to pay the check, each grabbed for it.
"It's a business expense," said one.
"I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus."
"Let me have it, "argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next week




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Six stages of married life: 1: Tri-weekly 2: Try weekly 3: Try weakly 4. Try oysters 5: Try anything 6: Try to remember




#3
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
What is the definition of Indecent?
If it's long enough, hard enough, and in far enough it's Indecent!





#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Two gays walk past a gay bar one night.

One says to the other "You wanna get shit faced tonight?"





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



 

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Friday, February 26, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds."




#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
- Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996)





#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
Why do tampons have strings?
So the crabs can go bungee jumping.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.






 

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

Friend,
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again.
When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end.
Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.

P.S.
A friend will help you move.
A really good friend will help you move a body.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.




#4
(Category: Animal Jokes)
Three male dogs: a Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Chihuahua, sat at the end of a bar downing a few drinks when a beautiful lady Collie walked in and sat at the opposite end. She noticed that they were drooling over her and offered them a deal. "If any of you can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence that I like, I'll let you buy me a drink."
The male dogs started punching each other, feeling quite sure of themselves. The Pit Bull blurts out, "I like liver and cheese."
"No! How base!" snarls the lady Collie.
Then the Shepherd speaks up, "Liver and cheese make good food."
The Collie turns her head and says, "Ha! No good!"
Finally, the little Chihuahua crawls up on the bar and speaks,
"Liver alone, cheese mine!" He got to buy the lady the drink.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalogue.



 

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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom. Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."




#4
(Category: One Liners)
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"






 

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How do you stop a taliban tank ?

Shoot the Guy Pushing it




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mama so old, I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off!




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Life is a game, the object of which
is to discover the object of the game.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out.

"YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer.

"Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone."







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."



 

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Monday, February 22, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo Mama so fat she gives herself group hugs!




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a "bigot."




#3
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.




#4
(Category: One Liners)
If all the world's a stage,
I want more props!




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
Everybody lies about sex.

- Lazarus Long




 

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Sunday, February 21, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, February 21st, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Underwear".

They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper.

You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.

Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're Cheap!!.

Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on E-Bay.

Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with the Olsen twins.

They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Hinduism.

You wake up and find the head of Sponge Bob in your bed.

They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"




#3
(Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes)
A server walks over to a table and gets ready to deliver the check to a guy. The guy asks the server do you take checks and the server said, I? no sir I am sorry. The guy replies neither do I




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."




#5
(Category: Funny Quotes)
"Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."
- George F. Will




 

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Saturday, February 20, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, February 20th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!"




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What's the difference between men and women? Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?

Yup, if one steps on you, you're screwed.



 

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Friday, February 19, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, February 19th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.

Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"




#2
(Category: Question/Answer Jokes)
Q. What does a cow make when the sun comes out?
A. A shadow




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
There was an inmate on death row who was scheduled to be executed by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

 

The inmate started..."This is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Vicar: Whats that you're doing, Tommy? Tommy: Sticking bangers up frogs arses, Vicar. Vicar: Rectum, Tommy. Tommy: Blows 'em to fucking pieces, Vicar!



 

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything." The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything, damn it!" The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie, the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you." The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do everything." He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says, "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please." The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie. The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no Charlie! The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?!" The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two priests recently passed away and were on their way to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, "I'm sorry but our computer is down and you can't come in for a week. So I am going to give you both one "free" week back on earth to do anything you want to do and nothing will be held against you." "You mean we can do what ever we want, and still get into heaven?" "Yes," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the first priest, "I want to soar over the mountains like an eagle." "That's easy enough," said St. Peter. "Off you go!" The second priest asked, "Are you sure that whatever I do will not hinder my chances of getting into heaven?" "That's right," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the second priest, "I want to go back as a stud." "A stud?" asked St. Peter. "Yes," said the second priest. "Okay, I'll see you in a week." Finally, the week ended and the computer was repaired. God asked to St. Peter, "Did you get the two priests back so they can join us here?" "Well," said St. Peter. "I got the first priest back; he was soaring over the Rocky Mountains like an eagle. I'm having a bit of a problem locating the second priest; he's somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Esther!
Esther who?
Esther anything I can do for you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ether!
Ether who?
Ether bunny!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Etta!
Etta who?
Ettaquette!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eugenie!
Eugenie who?
Eugenie from the bottle who will grant me three wishes?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eunice!
Eunice who?
Eunice boy, let me in!







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.




#5
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

"Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!"

"Did I say he _wanted_ to get married?..."




 

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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, February 17th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. "Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and erase them." At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." All eyes went to the blackboard. None of the words were erased. But below them was the message: "Fuck you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"




#2
(Category: Blonde Jokes)
Did you hear about the girl who was so blonde that she tripped over a cordless phone?




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old." The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation. "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!" "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies. The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears. "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! " "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation." Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?" "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: It's sex with someone they love.



 

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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, February 16th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
I learned French in six easy liasons.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there." "He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Eddy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Eddy.

Six months later the doctor met Eddy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"






#4
(Category: Animal Jokes)
In a recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story: It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
  • Riding a merry-go-round on Sundays is considered a crime.

  • Illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.

  • You may not fish on a camel's back.

    Boise

  • Residents may not fish from a giraffe's back.

    Pocatello

  • A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.

  • A law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless some are exhibited to public view."






  •  

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    Monday, February 15, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, February 15th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates." "BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."




    #2
    (Category: Miscellaneous)


    You're a redneck if .... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the
    lube rack.






    #3
    (Category: Girls vs. Boys)
    An old man made it shakily through the door to Joe Conforte's Mustang Ranch, outside Reno, Nevada. The receptionist stared at him.

    "You gotta be in the wrong place," she exclaimed. "What are you looking for?"

    "Ain't this where you allus got forty five girls ready 'n' able?"

    The receptionist looked perplexed. "Ready for what?"

    "I want a girl," the old man rasped. "I wanna get laid."

    "How old are you, Pope?" she asked.

    "92" he replied.

    "92? Pop, you've had it."

    "Oh." said the old man, a little disconcerted as his trembling fingers reached for his wallet. "How much do I owe you?"





    #4
    (Category: Animal Jokes)
    A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,



    #5
    (Category: One Liners)
    I like cats, they taste like chicken.



     

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    Sunday, February 14, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, February 14th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Dirty Jokes)
    Whats the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
    Spit, swallow and gargle.





    #2
    (Category: Professional Jokes)
    Did you know who in 1923 was:
    1. President of the largest steel company?
    2. President of the largest gas company?
    3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
    4. Greatest wheat speculator?
    5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
    6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
    These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?
    1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

    2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.

    3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
    4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

    5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.

    6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

    The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent.

    Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf





    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    What did the elephant say to the naked man? That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!




    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A priest is teaching a nun how to swim and the nun says to the priest "Will I really sink if you take your finger out?"




    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    What would you call a virgin on a water bed? A cherry float!



     

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    Saturday, February 13, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, February 13th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    You so stupid, your mother told you to take the trash out and you moved out of the house!




    #2
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Good News, Bad News, Worse News IV Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Worse: So are you




    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

    For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

    Great Dames for sale.

    Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

    Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

    If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

    Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

    The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.







    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children. He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"




    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    What's brown and sticky? A stick.



     

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    Friday, February 12, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, February 12th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: One Liners)
    Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?
    A: A LOCOmotive.




    #2
    (Category: Entertainment Jokes)
    Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"




    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A witch joke
    Why do witches ride on broomsticks?
    Because it's quicker than walking!

    A witch joke
    What are baby witches called?
    Halloweenies!

    A witch joke
    What do little witches do after school?
    Their gnomework!

    A witch joke
    What do witches say when they overtake each other?
    Broom, broom, broom!

    A witch joke
    What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
    One's a hunted stag and the other is a stunted hag!

    A witch joke
    Why do witches get good bargains?
    Because they like to haggle!

    A witch joke
    Why did the witch consult an astrologer?
    She wanted to know her horror-scope!







    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: One if at home, but on school time, four.

    Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.

    Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!

    Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.

    Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

    Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

    Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.

    Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.







    #5
    (Category: Dirty Jokes)
    Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.



     

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    Thursday, February 11, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, February 11th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    How to Hunt Elephants -- Math style Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students. Sent by Alex




    #2
    (Category: Animal Jokes)
    Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar". The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin "D-Con Rat Poison". The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?



    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

    1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

    2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

    3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

    4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

    5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

    6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

    7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

    8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

    9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

    10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

    11. No movie. Don't need one.

    12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

    13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

    14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.







    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

    The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

    "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

    To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"







    #5
    (Category: Professional Jokes)
    A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing, "On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "

    The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

    "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

    "On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . ."

    "So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

    "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

    "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."




     

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    Wednesday, February 10, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. Ray listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one." "Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?" "Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . " "Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"




    #2
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A circus clown boasted that his brother had developed a new act never attempted before. He had himself shot out of a cannon four times as big as any used by previous stuntmen.

    "How did he stand the shock?" the clown was asked.

    "That's hard to say," admitted the clown. "We never found him!"





    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)

    democracy vs. feudalism

    In democracy its your vote that counts

    In feudalism its your count that votes





    #4
    (Category: Dirty Jokes)
    Why does a dog lick himself?
    - Because he can't make a fist.





    #5
    (Category: Professional Jokes)
    A man walks into a bar with a pig one day and he goes to the bartender and says "Do you serve lawyers here?"

    The bartender says "We certainly do."

    The man than says "Great I'll have a bottle of beer and my pig here will take a lawyer."




     

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    Tuesday, February 9, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Ethnic Jokes)
    Why did the Six-Day War last only six days?
    Because Israel's weapons were rented by the week.





    #2
    (Category: Miscellaneous)


    You're a redneck if .... You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.






    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    So you don't know Jack Schitt He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spice number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt. So now you know Jack Schitt.




    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Albert arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How about them, Cowboys?"




    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A Jewish couple won twenty million dollars in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion estate and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London to hire one.

    They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back to the United States to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four because they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.

    When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Bialys."




     

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    Monday, February 8, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, February 8th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Patient: (to cosmetic-surgeon) 'Will it hurt, doctor? Surgeon: 'Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown'.




    #2
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    During the Second World War, Winston Churchill was the British Prime Minister. One day he had to go to the British Broadcasting Corporation (the BBC) to make an important speech to the nation.

    An hour before the time of this speech, he stopped a taxi in the street and asked the driver to take him to the BBC. But the taxi-driver, who did not recognize him, said he could not take him anywhere just then, because he wanted to go back to his home at the other end of London to hear Churchill make a speech on radio.

    Churchill was so pleased when he heard this answer that he gave the man a pound, which was worth quite a lot in those days.

    "All right, get in," said the driver happily, opening the door of the taxi. "I'll take you, and the heck with Churchill and his speech!"





    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs. The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick. The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".




    #4
    (Category: Nerd Jokes)
    Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.




    #5
    (Category: Dirty Jokes)
    What did the Wicked Witch say to the naked woman before she ate her for dinner?
    "It's really soft but why doesn't it go 'meow' when I tickle it?"




     

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    Sunday, February 7, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, February 7th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    One day an old lady was boarding a plane to visit her daughter in California.

    After she got seated, the stewardess walked by and told her to take her headphones off because they were taking off soon.

    The old lady assured her that she would be fine, but the stewardess, getting angry now, went up front and got the Captain.

    He told her to take the headphones off, but the old lady still wouldn't budge.

    The Captain had no choice but to confiscate the headphones from her. As he walked away to put them somewhere safe, he put the headphones on, and heard "Breathe in, Breathe out."

    Uh-oh!




    #2
    (Category: Nerd Jokes)
    White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.




    #3
    (Category: Dirty Jokes)
    What did the egg say to the boiling water?

    "It's going to take me a couple of minutes to get hard because I just got laid!"





    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Q: How can you tell a blonde has been working on the computer? A: There is white out on the screen




    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)

    How do you tell a Canadian from an American?

    It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.

    Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.

    Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.

    Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".

    The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".

    But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.

    Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.






     

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    Saturday, February 6, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, February 6th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck, and he asks for a pint. The bartender says ok.

    Then the man asks whos in the lounge. And the bartender says 15 people playing darts. So the man says get them a pint too.

    Then he asks whos upstairs and the bartender says 150 people having a disco. And the man says get them a drink too.

    The bartender says to the man, that will be $328 please. And the man says sorry but I havent got that much money on me, and the bartneder says, If you were down in the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.

    And the man says, Ive all ready been there.




    #2
    (Category: Ethnic Jokes)
    Why did the [ethnic], want to trade his wife for an outhouse?
    - The hole was smaller and it didn't stink as bad!





    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

    She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

    Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

    Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

    The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

    She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

    The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

    Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

    By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

    She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

    The blonde shouts, "fire!!"






    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender if he has any peanuts. He says no. She comes back the next day with the same question and gets the same answer. She then comes back another day and asks him again. He says ''No, and if you come back I'll nail your freakin' hands to the table!''

    So she comes back and asks him, ''Do you have any nails?''

    He says no.

    ''Well then, do you have any peanuts?''




    #5
    (Category: Work Jokes)
    How is your new job at the factory?


     

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    Friday, February 5, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, February 5th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'

    Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."

    It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.

    "My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues.

    "I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper Weinberger was planning one."

    Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow missles get along with this new weapon..."

    Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'."

    Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness."

    "Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play," Baker replied...







    #2
    (Category: Funny Quotes)
    When the legislature decides the rules of buying and selling, the first thing to be bought will be the legislators.
    - P. J. O'Rourke





    #3
    (Category: Nerd Jokes)
    Saliva is the universal solvent.




    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)


    The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods.

    Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

    All the while, he'd noticed that the club professional had been watching.

    "What club should I use now?" he asked the Pro.

    "I don't know," the Pro replied. "What game are you playing?"






    #5
    (Category: Dirty Jokes)
    The difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish is that the gold fish mucks around a fountain.



     

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    Thursday, February 4, 2010

    Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, February 4th, 2010

    Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
    You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
         

    #1
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    One joke that we did in residence was the Chinese Fire Drill, I don't quite know why it is called that. Anyway.. The victim is on the pot in the dorm washroom. Everyone grabs a bucket (we used the waste baskets from our rooms) and fills the buckets with water. Take a paper bag and set it on fire, toss it under the door into the stall. Yell fire as everyone tosses the water into the stall. Needless to say the fire as well as the victim get very wet. This one fellow in the house was hit a number of times and took to relieving himself in other locals. We followed him a couple of times and nailed him in many parts of the residence. Later of course we conspired with our victim to get back at the original instigator of the drill. The guy in the stall had a bucket of water, and when the the instigator tossed the bag in we all hit him.




    #2
    (Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes)
    Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.




    #3
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

    The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!"

    The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."





    #4
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    The Top Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home

    1. Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.

    2. Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.

    3. Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.

    4. Its named Matlock Manor.

    5. No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.

    6. Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.

    7. You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.

    8. Rectal thermometers made of wood.

    9. Two words: Community Bedpan.







    #5
    (Category: Miscellaneous)
    NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase New Phrase 1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible 2. Your fucking joking Really 3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................ 4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project 5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late 6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem 7. Eat shit and die You don't say 8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir 9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you 10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive 11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe 12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training 13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today 14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you? 15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go 16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you 17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day 18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more 19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour 20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to you



     

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