Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
We run a tight ship here!

(though some get tight a little too often)





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.

Don't get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can`t take the credit.

This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

Hey! I know what sign you were born under! RED LIGHT DISTRICT!

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.

Hey, how come even though you are still alive your parents are in mourning for you?

I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?

The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!

You say you are a West Pointer, but you look like an Irish Setter.

You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A brief synopsis...




#4
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations

There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."



 

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Monday, November 23, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Yo mamma so fat when she sat around the house, she sat 'around the house'...




#3
(Category: Idiot Jokes)
Did you hear about the rock



#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.




#5
(Category: Political Jokes)
George Bush was campaigning at an old age retirement home. He went up to a woman and shook her hand and said "Do you know who I am?"

"No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"




 

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Nerd Jokes)
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
What a woman says: "This place is a mess C'mon, you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah,

C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah,

you and I blah, blah, blah, blah,

on the floor blah, blah, blah, blah,

no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah,

right now !




#3
(Category: Funny Quotes)
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.

Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None--just assume it's changed.

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?







#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."



 

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.


Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"







#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving

OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail

OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up

OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"

OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise

OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission

OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals

OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt

OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles

OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point

OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision

OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away

OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around

OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole

OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast







#3
(Category: Professional Jokes)
-A man goes to the dentist and says:
-My teeth are kind of yellow, what do you recommend?
-A brown tie!!!




#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
She was soooo blonde that ......

1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.

4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".

5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no "Eleven" on any phone button.

7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.

9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets.

11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.

12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."

14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
They Told him that it couldn't be done,
But he with a smile replied
That maybe it couldn't, but he wasn't one
Who'd give up until he'd tried.
So he jumped right in with a determined grin,
And put all his effort into it.
He tackled that job that couldn't be done...
And by gosh, he couldn't do it!
-Ogden Nash



 

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Murphy's Law)
Seventh Law of Technical Writing

If it looks easy, it's hard.

If it looks hard, it's impossible.

If it looks impossible, it's due tomorrow. At 8 AM.






#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What's a good way to keep a man interested?
A: Wear perfume that smells like beer.




#4
(Category: One Liners)
Q. How do you get a 1 armed Antartian out of a tree?

A. Wave to him.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"






 

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, November 16th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Why did the boxer date the pretty girl?



#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Seen on a bumper sticker...

I Brake For No Apparent Reason.





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)


You're so poor, your version of cable TV is to go outside, watcht the police and call it





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An American businessman goes on business to Japan. He tells his assistant that night to get him some 'entertainment.' So his assistant gets him a hooker. The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming, 'Hoshimota, hoshimota!'

He thinks he is doing it really, really good.

The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, who makes a hole in one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and patting him on the back. The American can't think of what to say, so he says "HOSHIMOTA!"

His Japanese partner turns to him and says, "What do you mean, it is in the wrong hole?"



 

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Sunday, November 15, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, November 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: One Liners)
Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."







#3
(Category: Work Jokes)
A small community had a fire and the local volunteer fire department. Well, the fire was just too big so they called for mutual aid from their neighboring town. Their fire truck came zooming by the local one and went right down the hill and parked right next to the fire. The fire fighters jumped out of the truck and feverishly went to work putting out the fire. The paint on the truck was bubbling, as they were so close. But soon they had the fire under control. After the fire was out, the local town's people were so impressed with the work the neighboring fire department did that they decided to give them a reward. The mayor presented the fire chief with a check for $3,000. Then he asked the chief what he was going to do with the money. The chief replied, " Well, the first thing I am going to do is fix the brakes on that fire truck."




#4
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
An virginal young lady (let's call her Madonna) goes to visit her girl friend in the clinic, who has just given birth to her first child. During the course of their conversation, Madonna mentions the fact that while she too would like to have a baby, she didn't exactly know how to proceed. The young mother is very helpful, and fills out an itemized list on the how-tos of becoming pregnant:

  1. Get all dressed up in the slinkiest dress you can find
  2. Go to (substitute your favorite nightclub)
  3. etc...
Madonna scrupulously follows her friend's instructions, and sure enough, finds herself guided into the men's room at the nightclub. Her only problem is that the young man is a safe sex advocate and uses a rubber to consummate the act, and she being inexperienced is unaware of this obstacle. Once consummated he takes off the rubber and flushes it down the toilet.

Madonna: Gee honey, what do yo want to call our child?

Young man: (looks at the toilet, and then adresses Madonna) Well, if he gets out of this one, we'd better call him Houdini...





#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A cowboy steps in to a saloon, and says to the bartender "A double whiskey for my horse."

"And for you?" the bartender asks.

"Nothing, I'm driving."




 

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, November 10th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.

"Well what is it, Mary?"

"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"





#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"




#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A young indian chief's son went up to his father to get some information about his name and the names of his sisters for a school project.

He went to father and asked, "Father, why did you name my first sister Deer Running?"

The wise indian chief turned to his son and said, "Well, the day that she was born, I looked out of the teepee and the first thing that I saw was a deer running.

"Oh", said the son,"then why did you name my other sister Sun Shines Strong?"

"Well," said the father, "the day your other sister was born was very hot and blistering on the skin. That's why we named her Sun Shines Strong."

A bit puzzeled by now, the wise indian chief looks at his son and said, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A blond walks into a bar. Ouch!




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.



 

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Friday, November 6, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, November 6th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Golf in the Bedroom Rules of Play Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play at this time. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same course several times in one month.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So, they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

"If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass."





#3
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde.

She says "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys.

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys.

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"





#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

How young can you die of old age?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

On the other hand... You have different fingers.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?






 

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Monday, November 2, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.




#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."







#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)


Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?

A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.





 

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Sunday, November 1, 2009

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, November 1st, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:
     

#1
(Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes)
One mighty fine morning a string walks into a bar. The bartender says,



#2
(Category: Dirty Jokes)
What does a nymphomaniac chicken sound like?
Fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck





#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!







#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look short!"




#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey ?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime !"



 

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