#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything." The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything, damn it!" The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie, the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you." The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do everything." He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says, "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please." The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie. The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no Charlie! The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?!" The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two priests recently passed away and were on their way to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St.Peter said, "I'm sorry but our computer is down and you can't come in for a week. So I am going to give you both one "free" week back on earth to do anything you want to do and nothing will be held against you." "You mean we can do what ever we want, and still get into heaven?" "Yes," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the first priest, "I want to soar over the mountains like an eagle." "That's easy enough," said St. Peter. "Off you go!" The second priest asked, "Are you sure that whatever I do will not hinder my chances of getting into heaven?" "That's right," said St. Peter. "Okay," said the second priest, "I want to go back as a stud." "A stud?" asked St. Peter. "Yes," said the second priest. "Okay, I'll see you in a week." Finally, the week ended and the computer was repaired. God asked to St. Peter, "Did you get the two priests back so they can join us here?" "Well," said St. Peter. "I got the first priest back; he was soaring over the Rocky Mountains like an eagle. I'm having a bit of a problem locating the second priest; he's somewhere in North Dakota on a snow tire."
#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Esther!
Esther who?
Esther anything I can do for you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ether!
Ether who?
Ether bunny!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Etta!
Etta who?
Ettaquette!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eugenie!
Eugenie who?
Eugenie from the bottle who will grant me three wishes?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eunice!
Eunice who?
Eunice boy, let me in!
#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
#5
(Category: Girls vs. Boys)
One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!" "Did I say I was 64?" "Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?" "Damn straight you did! I'm 85!" "85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say he was dead?" "You mean..." "Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!" "My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?" "Did I say he was dead?" "No! You can't mean..." "Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!" "126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!" "Did I say he _wanted_ to get married?..."
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