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You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:
(Category: One Liners)
"My fellow astronauts..."
--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements."
--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist"
--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
"This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."
--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."
--James Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
"What he does on his own time is up to him."
--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
"Facts are stupid things."
--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Jewish women don't want anything unless it's 20% off.
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