Friday, July 16, 2010 :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 16th, 2010

Joke Master! Good Morning!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from for this week!:

(Category: One Liners)
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

(Category: Miscellaneous)
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford

"My fellow astronauts..."
--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President

"I stand by all the misstatements."
--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes

"Gerald Ford was a Communist"
--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.

"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.

"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5

"This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."
--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood

"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."
--James Baker, televangelist.

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.

"What he does on his own time is up to him."
--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.

"Facts are stupid things."
--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

(Category: Miscellaneous)
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

(Category: Miscellaneous)
If Microsoft Built Cars

(Category: Ethnic Jokes)
Why are Jewish men circumsized?

Jewish women don't want anything unless it's 20% off.


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-The Joke Master

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