Saturday, August 15, 2009 :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Joke Master! Good Morning!
You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from for today!:

(Category: Nerd Jokes)
When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used interchangeably.

(Category: Miscellaneous)
A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar." The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so he lets them stay. The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes." The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry, telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog, to which she agrees. They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his thing and once again, the dog just lays there. The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna show you one more time.........."

(Category: Miscellaneous)
If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below) 1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken by the first member. 2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of the viands devoid of contents. 3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male human. 4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for the subdivision of edible tissue. 5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same pathway. 6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation. 1. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after. 2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so.......(I don't remember the words) They ate the platter clean. 3. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a plum And said "What a good boy am I!" 4. Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice. 5. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. 6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow. With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row.

(Category: Miscellaneous)
Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!''

They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them.

''Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver.

''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks.

''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.''

''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead?''

''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!''

(Category: Miscellaneous)
A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs.

"Here we go again."


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