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You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!: |
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#1
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I give you now professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaim," He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
-"The Purist" by Ogden Nash
#2
(Category: Miscellaneous)
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game that would be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the Heavenly Host and the devil's own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But I hope that you realize that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right." Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
#3
(Category: Miscellaneous)
The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and Massachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass. Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba" and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation. Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics: Can I help you? Kin ah hip ewe? Hi, I'm Don Fowler. Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah. The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i. For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement in Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics: Ah axed ewe a quest-shun. I axed you a question, sukka. Ah be smaht. I be smarts now. Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me. Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me. If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school. And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind. Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.
#4
(Category: Miscellaneous)
I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
#5
(Category: Miscellaneous)
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
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