Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, September 6th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS." #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Bob, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while." Bob, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey." Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup playoffs. I put my foot through the television." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Do you like my new jacket? It's great. Shame your body doesn't suit it, though. #4 (Category: Funny Quotes) "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) If you are calling for John, press 1. If you are calling for Steve, press 1. If you are calling for John OR Steve, press 1. If you are calling for someone else, press 1. If...

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, September 5th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" #2 (Category: One Liners) Death is hereditary. #3 (Category: One Liners) I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) "Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John "Yes, I will." Paula replied. "Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked. "Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you." she answered with a wink. "How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John. "Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly. "That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the price!" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Yo mama is so fat when she went to skool she sat next to everybody and let's not forget that!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, September 4th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Q. Why did the jellybean go to school? A. Because he wanted to be a smarty #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie." #3 (Category: Dirty Jokes) This olw women was feelin some pinchin pains in her "you know what" So she went to a doctor and said "I have pains what are they?" The doctor said "Honey you've got crabs." The girl said "How could that be? I'm a virgin." The doctor repeated "Belive me, you've got crabs." She went to another doctor and he said that same thing. However, the third doctor had a different diagnosis. He said "Honey you don't have crabs, your cherries are rotten!" #4 (Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes) What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper? Being fingered by Captain Hook. #5 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) Why do Puerto Rican women wear pointy shoes? To kill the roaches in the corners.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. #2 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Iraqi TV Guide MONDAY 8:00 Husseinfeld 8:30 Mad About Everything 9:00 Suddenly Sanctions 9:30 Allah McBeal TUESDAY 8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror 8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right 9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things 9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers WEDNESDAY 8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer 8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy 9:00 Just Shoot Me 9:30 Veilwatch THURSDAY 8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi 8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H 9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses 9:30 My Two Baghdads FRIDAY 8:00 Judge Saddam 8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things 9:00 Achmed's Creek 9:30 No-witness News #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Yo mama is so fat it takes 2 planes and a bus to get on the her good side. #5 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) Did you hear about the little colored kid that had diarreha? He thought he was melting...

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, September 1st, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Did you hear about the Irish lamp post? A: It peed on the dog. #2 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck are construction workers for a tall building. On their lunch break they sit at the top together. The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says: "If I get one more burrito in my lunch, that's it, I'm going to jump!" The Irishman says: "If I get potatoes one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!" The Redneck says: "If I get a bolonga sandwhich one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!" The next day, they all get the same thing and they jump. At the funeral, the Mexican's wife is crying, and she says, "If I only knew, I would have made him something different." The Irishman's wife says, "I can't beleive it, I wish I made him something different!" The Redneck's wife says, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch." #3 (Category: One Liners) Q: How do you make a bandstand? #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Seminars for Men COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks) COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions FOR COUNSELING CALL 1-CHA-UVI-NIST

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 29th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Nerd Jokes) The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" #2 (Category: Business Jokes) Hey did you hear? U.P.S and Fed-EX are merging. There going to call it Fed-Up #3 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) An aggie, one of the elderly types, proceeded to try out for a part in a local College Station play. Sympathizing with his zeal for the part, the cast director agreed to include him in it, but under two conditions, he'd better do a heck of good job, and he would only get one line in the entire play: "Hark! the cannon just fired!" So the elderly aggie goes home, brags to all his friends about it, and continually yells: "Hark! the cannon just fired!" "Hark! the cannon just fired!" Finally on the night of the performace, during the highlight of the play, the booming sound of a menacing cannon shakes the entire theatre, the audience, in complete awe and silence... At the top of his lungs the aggie shouts: "What the hell was that?!" #4 (Category: Blonde Jokes) What does a blonde girl do when she wakes up? Goes home. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) One day G-d was walking around heaven and decided He needed a

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, August 28th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Yo momma's so fat... When she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials #2 (Category: Religious Jokes) Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy was watching over his kid for nightly prayers. The kid says, "Goodnight Mommy, Daddy, Grandpa, and goodbye Grandma." The next day the Grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird. That night, the kid says "Goodnight Mommy, Daddy, and goodbye Grandpa" The next day the Grandpa dies. The father is like this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight Mommy, and goodbye Daddy." The father freaks. He's all like I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work. at the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair. He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day. She says YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep! #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man takes his Rottweiler to the veterinarian. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." The vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he sighs, and says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What!," the owner screams. "Because he's cross-eyed!?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."

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