Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, August 18th, 2009

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, August 16th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A farmhorse and an old racehorse were in the stables one day when the farmhorse says: "I hear you ain't never lost a race" "Yep" -- says the race horse. "Well, I think I can beat ya, ya old nag." And so they laid out a course. When both horses were ready, they began. From the beginning the race horse was way out front with the farm horse running his heart out to catch up. About halfway through the course, the race horse looks back and sees the farm horse pumping away, frothing at the mouth and he feels sorry for the farm horse. He decides to let him win. Eventaully, bones creaking, muscles snapping from the effort, the farm horse crosses the finish line. With a smile on his face, he slows to a stop, falls over and dies. "Well," says the race horse, "at least he died happily". At this point, two cows that had been watching the race come over and say: "Hey, that means you're not the fastest anymore, right?" The horse looks up and says "Holy sh*t! Talking Cows!" #2 (Category: One Liners) Who is General Failure and why's he reading my disk? #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The 2000 Darwin awards! (15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award. (11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun. (25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death. (16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play. (1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head. (August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming. First Runner Up Award goes to ... (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported. And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is..... (5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys. 1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?" 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 15th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Nerd Jokes) When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used interchangeably. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar." The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so he lets them stay. The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes." The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry, telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog, to which she agrees. They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his thing and once again, the dog just lays there. The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna show you one more time.........." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes How many can you solve? (Answers below) 1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken by the first member. 2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of the viands devoid of contents. 3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male human. 4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for the subdivision of edible tissue. 5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same pathway. 6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation. 1. Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after. 2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat. His wife could eat no lean. And so.......(I don't remember the words) They ate the platter clean. 3. Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a plum And said "What a good boy am I!" 4. Three blind mice, three blind mice See how they run, see how they run. They all ran after the farmer's wife Who cut off their tails with a carving knife Did you ever see such a sight in your life As three blind mice. 5. Mary had a Little Lamb Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go. 6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow. With silver bells, and cockle shells And pretty maidens, all in a row. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. ''Don't worry!'' says the driver to his friend, ''Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!'' They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flashlight into the car and looks at the two drunks. ''Have you been drinking?'' he asks them. ''Oh no Sir,'' replies the driver. ''I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?'' the cop asks. ''Oh, no sir,'' the drunk answers. ''We haven't had a thing to drink tonight.'' ''Well, I've got to ask you,'' says the cop, ''What on earth are those things on your forehead?'' ''That's easy, Officer,'' says the drunk. ''You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!'' #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. "Here we go again."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, August 13th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Laws of Love The nicer someone is, the farther away she/he is from you. #2 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else. #3 (Category: Kid Jokes) An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. #4 (Category: Professional Jokes) A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense. There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) If I want to hear from an asshole, I'll fart!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Quotes) Too long a sacrifice Can make a stone of the heart. - William Butler Yeats #2 (Category: Funny Definitions) Trapezoid A device for catching zoids. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) We Three Students Of Chemistry Are We three students of chemistry are taking tests that we think are hard Stoichiometry, volumes and densities worrying all the time. O room of wonder room of fright Room of thermites blinding light: With your energies please don't burn us Help us get our labs all right. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Knock Knock Who's there? Sonata! Sonata who? Sonata such a big deal! Knock Knock Who's there? Sondheim! Sondheim who? Sondheim soon! Knock Knock Who's there? Sonia! Sonia who? Sonia be another year older! Knock Knock Who's there? Sophia! Sophia who? Sophia the cat before dinner! Knock Knock Who's there? Sonia! Sonia who? Sonia paper moon...! #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) How does a women hold her liquor? By the ears.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 8th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Blonde Jokes) What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o? Jell-o wiggles when you eat it. #2 (Category: Murphy's Law) Maier's Law If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. Corollaries The bigger the theory, the better. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. #3 (Category: Question/Answer Jokes) Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath? Throw in your laundry. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, August 5th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Quotes) I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name". - Mike Binder #2 (Category: One Liners) Q:What goes up but never comes down? A:Your age. #3 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Do you know why redneck murder mysteries are so hard to solve? 1. The DNA is all the same. 2. There are no dental records. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that" It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

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