Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Recently God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good." "Well", he thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view." So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him, "Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good." God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them... just a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? ...Oh, you didn't get one?!!! #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend? Let everyone go first! #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity #4 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why do blondes have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex! #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cellblock erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. "Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door. "What's going on, here?" asked Rocky. "Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number." So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the old joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill STILL laughing?" "Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!" . . . The next night, Rocky again called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" but no one laughed. After several tries, Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is no one laughing? They all laughed at that one yesterday." "Well," said the gruff inmate, "It

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, December 14th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) tabl #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) What is the definition of an overbite? When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q. What does it mean when two lesbians make love? A. It doesn't mean dick. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." #5 (Category: Religious Jokes) When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." "Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. "Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. "Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?" "Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." "So, that is when you took my name in vain?" "No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..." "Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, December 13th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Murphy's Law) Allen's Law Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word. Hoss said to the telegram man,"OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'." Why do you want to tell her that? #3 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three! "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!" #5 (Category: Professional Jokes) Dr. Middleton, the new intern on duty at the hospital emergency room, answered the phone late one night. "Doctor," exclaimed a woman, "what shall I do? We just discovered our two-year-old son has eaten a whole tube of contraceptive jelly." "Well," replied the intern, "If it's really an emergency, why don't you have one of the all-night drugstores deliver another tube?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Family Jokes) A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him "I've got this problem." The psychiatrist asks "what is it?" "Well, during the day I'm attracted to women and for some reson at night I'm attracted to men. Do you know what it could be?" The psychiatrist reflects for a minute a says "This sounds like a classic case of Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hiney." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!" Gingrich says,"I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe. One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe. The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, December 7th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Quotes) "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." - Jim Harrison #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're a redneck if .... You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. #4 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Save A Tree: Eat a beaver #2 (Category: One Liners) Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! #3 (Category: Funny Quotes) Everybody lies about sex. - Lazarus Long #4 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) What do Polish women do after they suck cock? - Spit out the feathers. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) The salesman sold a computer system to a far and foreign firm, and upon visiting them several months later he was alarmed to see that it was still in the original packaging. "Anything wrong?" he asked. "No," beamed the accounting manager, "through-put has increased, efficiency has improved no end!" "How's that, then?" "Every morning," he said, "I tell the staff, if you don't work harder and more efficiently, the machine is going to replace you."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, December 5th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) nkita ni pedro ang bag ng isang amerikano: anu ang sasabhin ni pedro sagot: edi ur bag is tommorow (Submitted by bianca victoria) #2 (Category: Riddles) What did the hot dog say when he won the race? "I'm the weiner!" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. #5 (Category: Professional Jokes) All my doctor does is send me to see other doctors. I don't know if he's really a doctor or a booking agent.

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