Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!" #2 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Sign on a nuclear containment building: WARNING: Radiation area. Prefaded genes only. #3 (Category: Professional Jokes) Patient: Doctor I've been seeing striped cows!" Doctor: "Have you seen a Psychiatrist?" Patient: "No only striped cows!" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd? $ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. $ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. $ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. $ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. $ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage. $ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. $ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. $ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. $ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. $ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st. $ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year. $ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. $ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600. $ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However... $ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today. $$$ Game over. Nerd wins. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, August 26th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Once a woman told a man that they use alligators to make shoes. He shook his head and said, "What will they teach them to do next?" #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control. Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions. It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing. May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead. May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters. May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears. Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over." The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia #3 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Biology grows on you. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) 1) It is on everybody's mind all the time. 2) Everyone is talking about it all the time. 3) Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it. 4) Almost no one is really doing it. 5) The few who are doing it are: a) doing it poorly; b) sure it will be better next time; c) not practicing it safely. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "grandpa, talk like a frog." The Grandpa replied "What?, I'm not going to talk like a frog!" The little boy again asked, "come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please." Grandpa again said "No! Go bother your grandmother." The little boy finally gave up and left. A little while later the little boy's sister came in and said "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?" Grandpa of course replied, "NO!" The little girl then said "Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog"? Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, "what is it with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?" The little girl looked at her grandpa and said "Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are going to go to Disney World."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, August 25th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks? People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals? Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!" I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol. Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. #2 (Category: Animal Jokes) Did you hear about the skunk that went to church? #3 (Category: One Liners) Few women admit their age. Few men act it! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress. A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" #5 (Category: One Liners) What happened when the barman died? The police held an inn-quest

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, August 24th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!" The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat. The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it." He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says...I know Karate!" The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!" #2 (Category: Riddles) Why does the king stand on the balcony high above the people? So he can pee on the peons. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) DO you know how to find a sexy frog??? Look under a horny toad. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, August 22nd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Dirty Jokes) What do a perfect 10 and a tampon have in common? - They're both stuck up cunts. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Judi came into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" Judi replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day? We aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." Judi very calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be OK? What's wrong?" Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!" #3 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Mathematicians- Say A Write B on the board Mean to say C The answer is D #4 (Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes) Sugar is somethingthat makes cereal taste awful if you don't put any on! (Submitted by Autumn) #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, August 21st, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Question/Answer Jokes) Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Because, of the sign! Teacher: What sign? Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." #2 (Category: Kid Jokes) Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family. "You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?" "Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling. The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again. The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman. The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?" The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) So there's this fella with a parrot, and this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard , and yells, "quit it!" but this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you " and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggrivates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. Then it gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that came over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months... I don't like to interrupt her.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, August 20th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) "Why do you look so glum today?", the teacher asked young Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast." #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) So, this guy keeps going to several doctors because they all think that he looks terrible. "You look horrible," they all say. "But I feel great!" he always replies. They continue with tests and more tests. "Doctor, I feel wonderful," he protests. "But you look bad," they all rebutted. Finally one discovered, "Looks bad but feels great. He must be a vulva!" #3 (Category: Funny Quotes) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses) #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're so short, you could play racquetball on the curb. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows." "We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball....stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

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