Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) You might be a redneck if... Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You fainted when you met Slim Whitman. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. #2 (Category: Question/Answer Jokes) Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A. When it #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors, how do you get out? Stop imagining! Sent by Cally #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) One day a little kid sees his mum and dad have sex,the kid says "mum what is that" and hes mum says "these are my lights."Then the kid says "dad what is that and his dad replies "this is my limizine",then the little kid says "mum what is that" ,the mum says "this is my garage."The little kid says "mum turn your fucking lights off dads in you garage." (Submitted by Robert levy) #5 (Category: Kid Jokes) A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral Of The Story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Cesium's Strange (Tune, People are strange - The Doors) Cesium's strange, when you're a stranger Consummate danger, ready to blow. Water is wicked, wet and unwanted, Folks are unfriendly, when you glow. Don't take it out in the rain. You're insane! You're insane! Don't you remember the pain? You're insane! You're insane! You're insane --- Cesium's strange, pregnant with danger, Hand the next stranger a kilo or two. Pour on the water, lamb at the slaughter, Bathe in the light that is blue, sky-blue! Don't take it out in the rain. You're insane! You're insane! You'll always remember the pain. You're insane! You're insane! You're insane --- --- Songs of Cesium #13 #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Why did the woman with P.M.S. cross the road? She just did, alright!! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets? A: To smell like big girls. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Serbian official press agency claimed today that Serbian forces shot down two F-117 Planes and four Ballistic "smart" missiles. Pentagon denied the statement, saying that all of them had safely returned to NATO's base.

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Riddles) What did Hannibal the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? - Wiped his ass. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. You can't have everything, where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. #3 (Category: One Liners) Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there." He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye." This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect! The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!" #5 (Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes) A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, June 29th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service". Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?" #2 (Category: Elderly Jokes) Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards. #3 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Seventh Law of Computing He who laughs last probably made a back-up. #4 (Category: Religious Jokes) The only thing that separates us from the animals is mindless superstition and pointless rituals. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck left mud-flap right mud-flap Passing Side Suicide /| |\ / ------ ------ \ \ ------ ------ / \| |/ El Paso El Cruncho (spanish) (spanish)

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, June 28th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q. Why did the amoebae flunk the math test? A. Because it multiplied by dividing! #3 (Category: Entertainment Jokes) Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake." #5 (Category: Funny Quotes) There's a right way and a wrong way to do everything. The wrong way is to try and make everyone else do it the right way. - Col. Potter, 4077th MASH

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) Entry in young womans diary: Monday: Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends. Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of friends must part! #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool, he looks up at the bartender and says, #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!" #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) So, this guy keeps going to several doctors because they all think that he looks terrible. "You look horrible," they all say. "But I feel great!" he always replies. They continue with tests and more tests. "Doctor, I feel wonderful," he protests. "But you look bad," they all rebutted. Finally one discovered, "Looks bad but feels great. He must be a vulva!" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A pastor was assigned to a new church. He wanted to find out how much the congregation knew, so he decided to ask a simple question. He asked the members what they knew about Easter. The first guy comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when everyone comes over and you have this big turkey?" "Uh, no," the pastor says, "That's Thanksgiving." Second guy says, "Isn't that the holiday where we get that big tree and..." "Uh, no. That would be Christmas. Hence Christmas Tree." "Oh. Sorry." Finally a young woman comes up and says, "Isn't that the holiday when they put Jesus on a cross?" "Yes. Do you know anything else?" "Yes, He died, right?" "Yes. Anything else?" "They took him down, and they put him in a cave, right?" "Yes, then?" "And they rolled a stone in front of it?" "Yes. That's exactly right. Do you know anything else?" "Yeah. He woke up and, oh, now I remember, he rolled the stone away, and then he got out, saw his shadow, and went back inside for 6 more weeks."

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, June 26th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Why did the author write his novel in the basement? He wanted to write a best cellar. #3 (Category: Riddles) What is Yellow and goes "putt putt"? An outboard banana! #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Did you hear about the transvestite at the Christmas party? - He wanted to eat, drink, and be Mary. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?," Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master