Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, December 27th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," answered the mother, "You will have many." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) After eight years in college, there is one Aggie student who still can't seem to get himself graduated. He got in five years on a football scholarship, and everyone likes him, but he just can't seem to make it through his classes. The professors and the board of regents at the school are beginning to be anxious about the possible damage to the school's reputation, and decide that graduate or not, Jethro has got to go. They are worried that the general public is going to hear about this student hasn't graduated after eight years. After conferring with each other, they give him the news: "Jethro, we've decided that this is going to be your last semester at A&M. So we're going to give you a test at graduation time. We're going to ask you just one question, and if you answer it correctly, you graduate. If you answer it incorrectly, you don't graduate. But either way, this is your last semester and it's time to leave the school." So graduation rolls around, and Jethro is the very last person to step up, because he still has to take the test. Everyone at school knows about it and each person in the audience holds his breath as the university president asks Jethro the Test Question. "Jethro, what's four plus three?" Jethro thinks hard for a moment, and then hesitantly answers, "Seven?" There is a brief moment of silence, and then another Aggie calls out from the audience: "Aw, gee, give him another chance!" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Todd meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, she still lived with her parents, but they were out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, when Todd walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, Todd turns to her and asks "So... how was I?" She says "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, December 26th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why do blondes work seven days a week? So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. #3 (Category: Idiot Jokes) Two friends, John & Jerry were on vacation in the isles of Fiji. While there they decided to go out fishing since hearing of the many great fishing spots. They rented a boat and left before sunrise. The sun was now shining directly down on their heads. They realized that they'd been out at sea for nearly 4 hrs. Jerry turns around and says, " So much for the great fishing spot! I think I #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying? A: Other lawyers look interested. Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? A: Because they #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I got this for free - Ai No Pei I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight - Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, December 25th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..." #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in Washington state. The device, detonated at 10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium III microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. "No, not worth it!" "OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum??? Answer: The position of the dirtbag!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, December 24th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam? She wasn't used to the front seat! Why did she finally pass her test? She took the examiner with her. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen? #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Knock Knock Who's there? Frida! Frida who? Frida be! Knock Knock Who's there? Fruit! Fruit who? Fruit of the loom! Knock Knock Who's there? Gabe! Gabe who! Gabe it my all! Knock Knock Who's there? Gable! Gable who! Gable to leap buildings in a single bound! Knock Knock Who's there? Gabor! Gabor who! Gabor'n to shop! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down) Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not *that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that" It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!" #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two hookers and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf gets his woman upstairs, but is soon disappointed, however, because he is too nervous to perform. Worse yet, his depression is increased by the fact that, from the next room, he hears loud cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UGGHHH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first answered, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing... I couldn't even get up on to the bed!" #3 (Category: One Liners) A camel is a horse designed by committee. A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home? A: They put parking meters on the roof! #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir! What can an elephant with a machine gun call you? Anything he likes! What do you call an elephant that's small and pink? A failure! What is stronger an elephant or a snail? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk! What do you give an elephant with big feet? Plenty of room! Tarzan was tired when he came home. "What have you been doing", asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!" What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies? You would miss most of the film! What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant? Big ones! What do you find in an elephants graveyard? Elephantoms! Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes? Because their shoes are too tight!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop". #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble. Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing. Q: How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding "their" team) does it take to change a light bulb? A: A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and make the world revolve around it. Q: How many striking baseball players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. All those replacement bulbs are scabs! Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo. Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb? A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in. Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers. Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A witch joke What do witches cats like for breakfast? Mice krispies! A witch joke Who went into a witche's den and came out alive? The witch! A witch joke What do you get if you cross a witches cat with a canary? A peeping tom! A witch joke Why is "S" the witches favourite letter? Because he turns cream into scream! A witch joke What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person! A witch joke What is a witches favorite drink? Tea-hee-hee! A witch joke What's a witches favorite film? My Fear Lady! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs. Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones. Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six--one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket. Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. #5 (Category: One Liners) Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, December 18th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used." #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The Sunday before Thanksgiving, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady, who was all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, #5 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Perhaps, Dr. Pavlov, he could be taught to seal envelopes.

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