Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, October 31st, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; The blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica." #2 (Category: Animal Jokes) Rabbit resuscitation... A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Ads Permanent Wave." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?" And he says, "And what should I have in my window?" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?" The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!" The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep. Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain. "Where the hell am I?" A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over." "Well, what the hell happened to me?" "We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?" The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep." The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?" "Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!" #5 (Category: Religious Jokes) Sister Mary Cathrine was driving through a bad part of town, with Sister Mary Margaret in the passenger seat. While stopped at a red light, a mugger jumped onto the hood of their car. Sister Mary Cathrine was sure that the mugger would leave them alone, if only he knew they were nuns. "Show him your cross" she said to Mary Margaret. Whereupon, Mary Margaret leaned out of the car window and yelled "Get off our God damn car!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, October 30th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Law of Cat Inertia A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. Law of Cat Motion A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. Law of Cat Magnetism All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. Law of Cat Thermodynamics Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. Law of Cat Stretching A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. Law of Cat Sleeping All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat. Law of Cat Elongation A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. Law of Cat Obstruction A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic. Law of Cat Acceleration A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. Law of Dinner Table Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. Law of Rug Configuration No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. Law of Obedience Resistance A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. First Law of Energy Conservation Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. Second Law of Energy Conservation Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping. Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light. Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Cat Embarrassment A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter. Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Furniture Replacement A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human. Law of Fluid Displacement A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed. Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Pill Rejection Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity. Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. #2 (Category: Religious Jokes) Why wasnt Jesus born in LA? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. "His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is," he said. "I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work." The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy." He turned to the other man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed, except now he's driving at 65 mph, the maximum limit. Several miles further along, the Trooper's right on his bumper and the man increases his speed to 75 mph. The Trooper activates his lights and siren and the man reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder. After the Trooper demands the man's driver's license and registration, he sez, "Mr. {Smith}, I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when you knew I was behind you for quite some time, you sped up knowing that you could be cited for speeding. What in the world caused you to do that ? The man looked relieved, stared the Trooper directly in the eye and softly spoke, "Trooper, three months ago, my wife ran off with a Maryland State Trooper. I thought you were him, bringing her back." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the nearest thing to silver? The Lone Ranger's bottom! This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast. I bet you were mad. Mad? I was foaming at the mouth! What sort of animal is a slug? A snail with a housing problem! What does "Minimum" mean? A very small mother! What is an archaeologist? Someone who's career is in ruins! What is hail? Hard boiled rain! Why are astronauts successful people? Because they always go up in the world!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, October 26th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Why are women like snow flakes?? #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. "Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?" "Get lost," she remarked, "I am Lesbian." "Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in Beiruit?" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds. That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) yo mama so fat when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued.... #5 (Category: Dirty Jokes) An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question. "Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on." "When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on." "When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on." "Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on!" "So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, October 24th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) When should you care for a man's company? When he owns it. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada, and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man. Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires? Canadian: We send em to France to get turned into paper plates. French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags? Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send em to France to get turned into a gold ring. Hey, what do you do with your used comdoms? French man: we send em to Canada to get turned into bubble gum. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23 If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate (Picture of Einstein in a police uniform with caption): 186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law. Feathers are light. The sun gives off light. Therefore, the sun gives off feathers. #4 (Category: Funny Quotes) "The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously." - Hubert Humphrey #5 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married a Eighteen-year-old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep." "How marvelous," the old man said. "Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to work three times before you die." On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was up. Satisfied, he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said, "beep," and he was up. He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said, "What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, October 19th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. #2 (Category: One Liners) This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Why don't chickens like people? A: They beat eggs! Q: Why did the rooster run away? A: He was chicken! Q: What do chickens grow on? A: Eggplants! Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? A: He heard the referee calling fowls Q: Why is it easy for chicks to talk? A: Because talk is cheep! Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a duck? A: A bird that lays down! Q: What happens when a hen eats gunpowder? A: She lays hand gren-eggs! Q: Why did the chicken cross the "net"? A: It wanted to get to the other site! Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning? A: An alarm cluck! Q: Why did the chicken cross the road half way? A: He wanted to lay it on the line! #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors Turkey's and rushes back home before being caught in the act. The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrot's head. That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws his neighbors turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right" And then two bald guys walk in and he say's, "And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, October 16th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Blonde Jokes) On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arive in Paris approximately half an hour late." A few minutes later, he comes on again: "Hate to dissapoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late." After another few minutes, he comes on again: "Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris." After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks, "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night." #2 (Category: Murphy's Law) An old car that has served you so well will continue to serve you until you have just put four new tires under it and then it will fall apart. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) She was young, she was beautiful, she was married - and she was with her lawyers seeking a divorce. "What are the grounds?" said the lawyer. "Well, after a year of marriage, I'm still a virgin," she replied. Looking at her, the lawyer found that hard to understand. "What are the circumstances?" he asked. "Well," she said, "I'm married to an IBM salesman. He's a good provider, works hard, works late." This did not seem a promising start and the lawyer indicated accordingly. "But," she continued, "every evening when he comes home he sits at the end of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be - and then he falls asleep." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Things Adults Learn From Kids: There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect). #5 (Category: Funny Quotes) A drink a day keeps the shrink away. - Edward Abbey

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, October 15th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The typist's reproduction equipment is not to be interfered with without prior permission of the manager. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?" Man #1: I was a doctor. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #2: I was a school teacher. St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates. St. P.: And what did you do on Earth? Man #3: I was a musician. St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen... #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk. "Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the ass." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) 1. The monitor is up on blocks. 2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 3. The six front keys have rotted out. 4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them. 5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 6. The password is BUBBA. 7. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU. 8. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 9. The keyboard is camouflaged. 10. The Mouse is referred to as a 'Critter' #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're so dumb that...... you put a quarter in a parking meter and waited 30 minutes for a gumball.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, October 14th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Political Jokes) Vote early and often. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Most of us spend a lifetime going to bed when we're not sleepy and getting up when we are. -Joey Adams #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself." "By shooting?" reasked the company commander, "Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible." When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle." Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?" "I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep." #4 (Category: One Liners) Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) The gigantic computer took up the whole of a monstrous wall, completely dwarfing the two tiny mathematicians standing before it. A sliver of paper had emerged from the vitals of the computer, and one mathematician after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said, "Do you realize that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians two hundred and fifty years to make a mistake this big?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, October 12th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) There was an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accuse the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before the could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to myside of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is till ringing - when I came up cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, I finally got back to answer it." The pharmacist continues "It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectalthermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!!!" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world." #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two hookers and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf gets his woman upstairs, but is soon disappointed, however, because he is too nervous to perform. Worse yet, his depression is increased by the fact that, from the next room, he hears loud cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UGGHHH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first answered, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing... I couldn't even get up on to the bed!" #5 (Category: Elderly Jokes) Her minister told an eighty-year-old woman that, at her age, she should be giving some thought to what he called

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, October 11th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?" The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I've ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack." The guy's wife says, "That's terrible!" The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie..." #2 (Category: Religious Jokes) Sign outside a church in New York City : Today's Sermon: Do Not Be Deceived By Rev. Arthur McConnel #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.' #4 (Category: One Liners) The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air." Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test." Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death." Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line." Man: "Can't do that either." Officer: "Why not?" Man: "Because I'm dead drunk."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, October 8th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks, ''Where did you get that?'' The pig says, ''I won her in a raffle!'' #2 (Category: Kid Jokes) Father: "Son, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 12 miles to school." Son: "Dad, when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President." #3 (Category: Political Jokes) Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds George replied "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom replied "Abolish welfare and start over." Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?" #4 (Category: Murphy's Law) "I'll do it in a jiffy" means "Certainly not now, and possibly never" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him since he only had 24 hours to live. "Of course Darling," she replied. And so they have sex. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex. Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees. After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?" She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, "You know....... you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, October 5th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Q. What did baby corn say to mama corn? A. Where's popcorn? #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that". #3 (Category: Funny Quotes) "You can only live once, but if you live right, once is enough." - Joe E. Lewis #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard? Shut up and shoot again! Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma! Shut up and keep digging. Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl? Shut up and flush. Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim! Shut up or I'll flush it again! Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here. Shut up or I'll flush it again. #5 (Category: One Liners) All computers wait at the same speed.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, October 4th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school? A: She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Manuever. #2 (Category: Professional Jokes) Whats the difference between a prostitute and a lawyer? A prostitute stops screwing you after you're dead. #3 (Category: One Liners) I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. #4 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Technology Laws The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) One morning, three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, October 2nd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) One can not make an omelette without breaking eggs - but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass." The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) whats a sheeps biggest fear?????? The welsh with velcro gloves!!!! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her? "The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul." #5 (Category: One Liners) Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, October 1st, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) Mrs. Jones stared at the fortune card that had emerged from the weighing machine in response to her husband's penny. She said, "It says here, George, that you're suave, intelligent, farseeing, industrious and attractive to women." With that she turned the card over and added, "And they have your weight wrong, too." #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) When in darkness or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes. #4 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A #5 (Category: Kid Jokes) A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

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