Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, February 28th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're a redneck if .... Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada. "You know," said one of the explorers, "we should name this place we're hiking through." "I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that." "Okay," said the third, "I'll go first. C, eh." "N, eh." "D, eh." And that's how they named Canada... #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do Osama bin Laden and Custer have in common? A: They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." #5 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Redneck are construction workers for a tall building. On their lunch break they sit at the top together. The Mexican opens his lunchbox and says: "If I get one more burrito in my lunch, that's it, I'm going to jump!" The Irishman says: "If I get potatoes one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!" The Redneck says: "If I get a bolonga sandwhich one more time, that's it, I'm gonna jump!" The next day, they all get the same thing and they jump. At the funeral, the Mexican's wife is crying, and she says, "If I only knew, I would have made him something different." The Irishman's wife says, "I can't beleive it, I wish I made him something different!" The Redneck's wife says, "Don't look at me, he makes his own lunch."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, February 27th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Business Jokes) Three businessmen were having dinner at a club. When it came time to pay the check, each grabbed for it. "It's a business expense," said one. "I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus." "Let me have it, "argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next week #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Six stages of married life: 1: Tri-weekly 2: Try weekly 3: Try weakly 4. Try oysters 5: Try anything 6: Try to remember #3 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) What is the definition of Indecent? If it's long enough, hard enough, and in far enough it's Indecent! #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Two gays walk past a gay bar one night. One says to the other "You wanna get shit faced tonight?" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, February 26th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What is the difference between Liverpool football and a tea bag? A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers once a month? Because it says right on the box "good for up to 20 pounds." #3 (Category: Funny Quotes) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." - Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996) #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Why do tampons have strings? So the crabs can go bungee jumping. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!" The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!" "I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket." "Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour." #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Are you tired of all those mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself! Friend, When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid. When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend! Send this poem to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway. P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. #4 (Category: Animal Jokes) Three male dogs: a Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Chihuahua, sat at the end of a bar downing a few drinks when a beautiful lady Collie walked in and sat at the opposite end. She noticed that they were drooling over her and offered them a deal. "If any of you can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence that I like, I'll let you buy me a drink." The male dogs started punching each other, feeling quite sure of themselves. The Pit Bull blurts out, "I like liver and cheese." "No! How base!" snarls the lady Collie. Then the Shepherd speaks up, "Liver and cheese make good food." The Collie turns her head and says, "Ha! No good!" Finally, the little Chihuahua crawls up on the bar and speaks, "Liver alone, cheese mine!" He got to buy the lady the drink. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalogue.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, February 24th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) IBM: It's Being Mended IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck IBM: I Believe in Memorex IBM: It's Better than Macintosh! IBM: Idiots Built Me IBM: Intense Bowel Movement IBM: Inferior But Marketable? IBM: I've Been Mislead IBM: It's Better Manually IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine IBM: I Bought a Mac IBM: I Blame Microsoft. IBM: I Bought Macintosh IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh IBM: I've Been Moved IBM: I've Been Mugged IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement IBM: Identical Blue Men IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher IBM: Idiots Become Managers IBM: Incompatible Business Machines IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly IBM: Institute of Black Magic IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches IBM: It'll Be Messy IBM: It's Backwards, Man IBM: Itty Bitty Machines IBM: Itty Bitty Morons IBM: It Barely Moves IBM: I Buy Mainframes IBM compatible - IBM contemptible #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom. Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike." #4 (Category: One Liners) Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin". The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) How do you stop a taliban tank ? Shoot the Guy Pushing it #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Yo mama so old, I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off! #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Life is a game, the object of which is to discover the object of the game. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell out. "YOU'RE DRUNK!" exclaimed the police officer. "Thank God for that!" said the drunk, "I thought the steering had gone." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Yo Mama so fat she gives herself group hugs! #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a "bigot." #3 (Category: Nerd Jokes) The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. #4 (Category: One Liners) If all the world's a stage, I want more props! #5 (Category: Funny Quotes) Everybody lies about sex. - Lazarus Long

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