Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) 10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program. 9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan. 8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad. 7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator. 6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads. 5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel. 4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys. 3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer. 2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap. 1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this? #2 (Category: One Liners) History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler 'Jesus'." #4 (Category: Blonde Jokes) How do you drive a blonde crazy? Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them. Why does it work? "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but don't expect results. Q: How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they like Danzig in the dark. Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness. Q: How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two--one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure. Note: Cornell is stereotyped as the most stressful of the Ivies. Q: How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Seventy six-one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change and twenty five to hold a counter protest. Note : Columbia was the most politically active of the ivies back in the 1960s. Q: How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None--New Haven looks better in the dark! Note: If you have ever been to New Haven, you'll know it really does. Q: How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One--and that's what his degree will be in! Note: Because Brown has no real core curriculum. Q: How many Penn students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, but he'll make sure it's on his resume. Note: Penn is seen as being a little less academically rigorous than the others, and it's very preprofessional.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Two sailors and the nurse were trapped on a desert island. After a month, the nurse got so disgusted at what she was doing, that she killed herself. After another month the sailors got so disgusted at what they were doing, that they buried her. Another month later, the sailors get so disgusted at what they were doing, that they dug her back up again. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) If you messed up your life, you could press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend. Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster. To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel. To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. When you loose your car keys, click on find. "Help" with the chores is just a click away. Auto insurance wouldn't be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash. And, we could click on "SEND NOW" and a Pizza would be on it's way to you. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Yo mama is so stupid that when you were born you came out butt first and your mama said, "o look! twins!" #5 (Category: Funny Quotes) A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, February 1st, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..." #2 (Category: Funny Quotes) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson #3 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Laws of Combat Operations When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night. #4 (Category: Blonde Jokes) What does a blonde use for protection during sex? A bus shelter. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What is long, black, and smelly? - The unemployment line.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, January 31st, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Damn if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!" Sent by Kelly #2 (Category: Funny Quotes) What's all this I hear about 'Endangered Feces'? What? That's 'Endangered Species'? Never mind. - Emily Latella #3 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) When Jake Parsons died and went to heaven he saw a guy at the gate who said, "Jake Parsons...let's see...oh, yes. You go down that hall and into the third door on your right." So Jake went past the first door and looked in. Inside was Atilla the Hun standing alone in a dark room. Suddenly a spotlight hit the opposite wall and a door opened and out stepped the most disgusting, ugly, vile, wart-covered woman... A voice boomed out: "Atilla the Hun, you have been very evil! Your punishment is to spend eternity with this hag!!!" Jake walked on further and looked into the second room. Adolph Hitler was in there, the room was dark, and a spotlight hit the opposite wall and this even more disgusting old hag walked into the room. A voice boomed out: "Adolf Hitler, you have been very evil! Your punishment is to spend eternity with this hag!!!" So Jake finally came to his door, opened it and entered a dark room. Suddenly a spotlight hit the opposite wall, and out stepped Michelle Pfeiffer...! Jake was delighted. Just then a voice boomed out: "Michelle Pfeiffer, you have been very evil...!" #4 (Category: Animal Jokes) Why did the turtle cross the road? #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide. From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, January 30th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? #2 (Category: One Liners) What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care! #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) for you girls... Why is 88 better than 69? You get 8 twice. #4 (Category: Animal Jokes) Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them? Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, January 29th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Dirty Jokes) One day three ducks were swimming in a pond when a police officer pulled over the first duck. The officer asked, "What's your name and what are you doing here?" The duck replies "My name is Quack and I was blowing bubbles in the pond." The officer saw no reason to ask anything else so he let him go. The officer then pulled the second duck over and asked, "What's your name and what are you doing?" The second duck replied, "My name is Quack Quack and I'm blowing bubbles in the pond." The officer then let him go as well. The third duck swam by and the officer said, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack and you were blowing bubbles in the pond too." The third duck said, "No, my name is Bubbles." #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Statistical Bureaucracy As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by sex." One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, have two alcoholics." #3 (Category: Dirty Jokes) A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor the suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks "what happened?" To which the man replies "She choked." #4 (Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes) What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections? - A whine and cheese party! #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What goes: Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang bang, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop? An 'Amish' drive-by shooting

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, January 28th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy." "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!" #2 (Category: Family Jokes) A small boy came running downstairs, shouting, #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) This exchange was overheard between the separated sections of the jail. A male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have." The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?" He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..." #5 (Category: Dirty Jokes) All I got for Christmas was a sweater... I would have prefered a screamer or a moaner.

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