Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 1st, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." #2 (Category: Marriage Jokes) A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. #3 (Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes) How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? - By leaving the plunger in the toilet #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral. The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher. The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk." Very good," said the teacher. The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher. "Don't screw with my dad when he's drunk."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 24th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Quotes) "It's like deja vu all over again." - Yogi Berra #2 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Laws of Love Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. #3 (Category: Idiot Jokes) A big group of hunters were in the middle of the jungle and decided to split into smaller groups. Four fools decided to form one of the smaller groups and started walking. After a while, one of them realized they were quite far away from the main group, and that they couldn't possibly find the way back. One of the other fools says to the other three: "I've heard that whenever you can't find your group, what you have to do is to shoot three times to the air and wait for someone to find you" They shoot three times to the air, wait a while, but nothing happens. So they shoot three more times to the air but, again, no one comes to help them. After trying three shots more the fool says: "I hope this time someone can find us... that was my last arrow" #4 (Category: Political Jokes) Bill Clinton goes to Hillary and asks her to go to Zimbabwe with him. "Hell, no!" she tells him. I'd rather suck your dick than go to that dirty, smelly, third world country." So she sucks his dick. When she's done she says, "Bill, your dick stinks." "Yeah," he says. "Al Gore didn't want to go either." #5 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 17th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Quotes) "Computers let you make more mistakes faster than anything except handguns and tequila..." - Mitch Ratcliffe #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) What should you say if he asks you "Am I your first"? "You might be - you look familiar" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? - Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Once upon a time Nasa decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German whilst the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked "Has anyone got a friggin' match?" #5 (Category: Funny Quotes) One more drink and I'd be under the host. - Parker

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 10th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the definition of lawyer? The larval form of a politician. #2 (Category: Funny Quotes) Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to let you make your second shot perfect. - Lazarus Long #3 (Category: Animal Jokes) Mother rabbit to her small bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men? Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, "What's your name?" "Huey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The bartender asks the second duck, "What's your name?" "Duey," replies the duck. "So, how's your day been?" "Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day." The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?" The duck replies, "No, I'm Puddles."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 3rd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Political Jokes) No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the Legislature is in session. #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Why do women like hunters? They go deep into the bush They always shoot twice They always eat what they shoot #3 (Category: Political Jokes) I heard that one of Pat Buchanan's relatives died at Auschwitz. Evidently he fell out of the guard tower. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two sisters lived together, and one became quite ill. Actually her doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said, "Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone. I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. "I want them to put my name on it and underneath": "BORN A VIRGIN" "LIVED A VIRGIN" "DIED A VIRGIN" She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of tombstones and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on a headstone. Jennie complained that those words were her sisters dying request and the gravestone maker reassured her that he would see what he could do. In about a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the tombstone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sisters wishes as best as he could. Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister's name just as she had asked, and underneath that was printed: RETURNED--UNOPENED #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of Jack Daniels and slams them all down in a flash. He looks at the bartender and orders 3 more and does the same thing. By now the bartender is wondering what is wrong with this guy so he asks him what his problem is. The guy looks up and says " I don't have a problem, I'm celebrating my first blow job!" The bartender looks with a smile and says," well that's just dandy, let me get the next one!" "No thanks", says the guy, "if 6 shots won't wash the taste out, the 7th won't help either!!!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, August 27th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", the bartender replies. "Four cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the man who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same thing I'm doing to his business." #2 (Category: Riddles) What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? - Bingo! #3 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) What do you say to an [ethnic] with a job? - "Burger and Fries please." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others." #5 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) There was a very rich old Irish man who had a little dog. It meant the world to him. When the dog died he went to the priest. "Father Murphy, my little dog is dead. I'd sure appreciate it if ye'd say a public mass fer 'im." "Sorry, Patrick," said the priest, "we don't say mass fer dogs 'n the like. But you go on down there to the Protestant church. With their progressive thinking, who knows what they'll do!" Well, Father, I wouldn't want to offend them. Do ya think a donation of a-hundred-thousand pounds would be fitting fer such a service?" Patrick asked. "Now, Patrick, why didn't ye tell me that there little dog was Catholic in the first place?!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, August 20th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Professional Jokes) A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn't even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman. She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone. The lawyer asks ``did you kill them?''. ``Yes'', she replies. ``What did you do with the bodies?'' ``I threw them in the pool.'' ... pause ... ``Pool? ... Say, is this 555-8234?'' #2 (Category: Funny Quotes) "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn? A. You molest them!. #5 (Category: Professional Jokes) A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to reed and write" The administrator said, "Yes we can, just fill out this form

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