Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, December 31st, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!" #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) I guys car breaks down in the middle of town,and he looks for a hotel to stay in while he waits for his car to get fixed. He finds a very small Hotel and walks in. He asked the guy at the counter, "Do you have any rooms avalible?" The guy at the counter says, "Ya, but don't stick you dick in the 3 holes." "OK." The guy agrees and walks to his room."A couple of days go by and his car is still in the shop. He gets courious and sticks his dick in the first hole. He says,"AWW,that feels good!" Then he sticks his dick in the second hole,"Aww,that feels even better!" Then he sticks his dick in the third hole,"OWCH!!My dick!!" He quickly pulled his dick out and it was all bloody.He was very confused but he went to sleep. The next day he went to the counter to see what was in the holes? But before he could ask anything the guy at the counter said,"You stuck you dick in the three holes didn't you?" He said,"Ya,how did you know?"The guy at the counter said,"Well, my wife is pregnant,my daughter is pregnant, and my pencil sharpener is broken. #3 (Category: Professional Jokes) What do you call an anesthesiologist who shows up for work wearing a rabbit suit? An ether bunny! #4 (Category: Nerd Jokes) One of our project teams hired a new PhD recently, so they took him over to our place to visit, and ask questions. At one point, he needed to known the diameter of one of our transducers, but we didn't know it. The draftsman hands the scientist a vernier-style caliper. The scientist looks at it for a moment, sees that it has inches and millimeters marked off on it, then proceeds to hold the transducer up to the scaled part of the caliper in an attempt to eyeball it. I practically spit out the water I was drinking. "Pete," I said, "You gave a caliper to a scientist? What are you thinking?" Peter looked at the scientist's plight and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to give you this." And he reached into his desk drawer to pull out a 6inch, neon pink ruler that said "Chuck E. Cheese" on it. The scientist said, "That's what I need!" and promptly measured the transducer. [Peter would like me to add that the (relatively cheap) caliper cost about $80. The ruler cost 32 tickets at Chuck E. Cheese.] #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's butt. Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?" Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." #2 (Category: One Liners) Procrastination is like masturbation... sure it feels good at first, but then you realize you're only screwing yourself. #3 (Category: One Liners) C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety." Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach. One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, December 29th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common? A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic. #2 (Category: Marriage Jokes) Bob and his wife were walking into the parking lot when a friend, Larry, saw them. Larry asked, "Bob, why are you walking so far? Did your car break down?" Bob replied, "No, my wife read how you could burn off more calories by parking further away." #3 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? -She moaned with the other. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the difference between Bill Clinton, and the Titanic ?? It is known how many went down on the Titanic. #5 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do? He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?", "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, December 28th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) What do a Blonde and KFC have in common? After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) What did the impatient helicopter say to its clumsy mechanic? "Chop chop." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The Top 12 Signs You're Being Stalked By A Farm Animal Every morning at the bus stop, that same pig is reading the newspaper -- upside down! Whenever you cross the road, so does that damned chicken! That foul smell, and you're not with your beer drinking buddies. Heavy bleating on the other end of the phone. Silhouette of knife-wielding Holstein appears on your shower curtain. Everywhere you go, the bell! The bell!! THE BELL!!! You find a knit cap and four bloody gloves. You keep hearing, "Oink oink," and there isn't a See'n'Say toy in sight. After an ugly breakup with Flopsy, you find Glenn Close floating in a pot on your stove. While baking custard pie, you step in cow pie. All 84 Caller ID entries read, "Babe." and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked By A Farm Animal... Note on your doorstep says, "We'll see who's laughing at Thanksgiving this year, Ginsu Boy!" #4 (Category: Religious Jokes) A little boy wanted a $100.00 very badly, he prayed and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal service received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, December 27th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," answered the mother, "You will have many." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) After eight years in college, there is one Aggie student who still can't seem to get himself graduated. He got in five years on a football scholarship, and everyone likes him, but he just can't seem to make it through his classes. The professors and the board of regents at the school are beginning to be anxious about the possible damage to the school's reputation, and decide that graduate or not, Jethro has got to go. They are worried that the general public is going to hear about this student hasn't graduated after eight years. After conferring with each other, they give him the news: "Jethro, we've decided that this is going to be your last semester at A&M. So we're going to give you a test at graduation time. We're going to ask you just one question, and if you answer it correctly, you graduate. If you answer it incorrectly, you don't graduate. But either way, this is your last semester and it's time to leave the school." So graduation rolls around, and Jethro is the very last person to step up, because he still has to take the test. Everyone at school knows about it and each person in the audience holds his breath as the university president asks Jethro the Test Question. "Jethro, what's four plus three?" Jethro thinks hard for a moment, and then hesitantly answers, "Seven?" There is a brief moment of silence, and then another Aggie calls out from the audience: "Aw, gee, give him another chance!" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Todd meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, she still lived with her parents, but they were out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, when Todd walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later after they've had sex, Todd turns to her and asks "So... how was I?" She says "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, December 26th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why do blondes work seven days a week? So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. #3 (Category: Idiot Jokes) Two friends, John & Jerry were on vacation in the isles of Fiji. While there they decided to go out fishing since hearing of the many great fishing spots. They rented a boat and left before sunrise. The sun was now shining directly down on their heads. They realized that they'd been out at sea for nearly 4 hrs. Jerry turns around and says, " So much for the great fishing spot! I think I #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying? A: Other lawyers look interested. Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? A: Because they #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King You are not very bright - Yu So Dum I got this for free - Ai No Pei I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight - Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, December 25th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The company sergent is briefing the recruits: "For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father, and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you know what that makes you..." #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But... if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in Washington state. The device, detonated at 10:55 am PDT (1:55 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible antitrust action. "Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire." Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation." In Washington, President Bush announced the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft. Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium III microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve." The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion." Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment." Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds. "No, not worth it!" "OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?" "No, not worth it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about 10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum??? Answer: The position of the dirtbag!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, December 24th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why did the blonde fail her driver's license exam? She wasn't used to the front seat! Why did she finally pass her test? She took the examiner with her. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen? #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Knock Knock Who's there? Frida! Frida who? Frida be! Knock Knock Who's there? Fruit! Fruit who? Fruit of the loom! Knock Knock Who's there? Gabe! Gabe who! Gabe it my all! Knock Knock Who's there? Gable! Gable who! Gable to leap buildings in a single bound! Knock Knock Who's there? Gabor! Gabor who! Gabor'n to shop! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the the truth, " he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!! (This is where you have to scroll down) Really, go on and make one wish!!! Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not *that* either, you pervert!! Is your finger getting tired yet? You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!! Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes. Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. 20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that" It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground. "T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers. "Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!" #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two hookers and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf gets his woman upstairs, but is soon disappointed, however, because he is too nervous to perform. Worse yet, his depression is increased by the fact that, from the next room, he hears loud cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UGGHHH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first answered, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing... I couldn't even get up on to the bed!" #3 (Category: One Liners) A camel is a horse designed by committee. A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home? A: They put parking meters on the roof! #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? Sir! What can an elephant with a machine gun call you? Anything he likes! What do you call an elephant that's small and pink? A failure! What is stronger an elephant or a snail? A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk! What do you give an elephant with big feet? Plenty of room! Tarzan was tired when he came home. "What have you been doing", asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!" What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies? You would miss most of the film! What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant? Big ones! What do you find in an elephants graveyard? Elephantoms! Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes? Because their shoes are too tight!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop". #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble. Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing. Q: How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding "their" team) does it take to change a light bulb? A: A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and make the world revolve around it. Q: How many striking baseball players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. All those replacement bulbs are scabs! Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo. Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb? A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in. Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers. Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A witch joke What do witches cats like for breakfast? Mice krispies! A witch joke Who went into a witche's den and came out alive? The witch! A witch joke What do you get if you cross a witches cat with a canary? A peeping tom! A witch joke Why is "S" the witches favourite letter? Because he turns cream into scream! A witch joke What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire? A very witch person! A witch joke What is a witches favorite drink? Tea-hee-hee! A witch joke What's a witches favorite film? My Fear Lady! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs. Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older, heavier ones. Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb? A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six--one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket. Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*. #5 (Category: One Liners) Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, December 18th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used." #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The Sunday before Thanksgiving, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady, who was all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him, and him, and him." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, #5 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Perhaps, Dr. Pavlov, he could be taught to seal envelopes.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, December 15th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Recently God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she returned she told God, "Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good." "Well", he thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view." So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him, "Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad and 5% are good." God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them... just a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said? ...Oh, you didn't get one?!!! #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend? Let everyone go first! #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity #4 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why do blondes have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex! #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cellblock erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. "Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door. "What's going on, here?" asked Rocky. "Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number." So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the old joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill STILL laughing?" "Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!" . . . The next night, Rocky again called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" but no one laughed. After several tries, Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is no one laughing? They all laughed at that one yesterday." "Well," said the gruff inmate, "It

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, December 14th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) tabl #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) What is the definition of an overbite? When you go down on a girl and come up with a mouth full of shit. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q. What does it mean when two lesbians make love? A. It doesn't mean dick. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." #5 (Category: Religious Jokes) When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven. "Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." "Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. "Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. "Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." "And that's when you took my name in vain?" "Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." "So, that is when you took my name in vain?" "No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole..." "Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, December 13th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Murphy's Law) Allen's Law Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Hoss rode into town to buy a bull. Unfortunately, when he bought it, he was left with one dollar. Hoss needed to tell his wife to come with the truck and get the bull, but telegrams cost one dollar per word. Hoss said to the telegram man,"OK. I have my one word-'comfortable'." Why do you want to tell her that? #3 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three! "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!" #5 (Category: Professional Jokes) Dr. Middleton, the new intern on duty at the hospital emergency room, answered the phone late one night. "Doctor," exclaimed a woman, "what shall I do? We just discovered our two-year-old son has eaten a whole tube of contraceptive jelly." "Well," replied the intern, "If it's really an emergency, why don't you have one of the all-night drugstores deliver another tube?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, December 9th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Family Jokes) A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him "I've got this problem." The psychiatrist asks "what is it?" "Well, during the day I'm attracted to women and for some reson at night I'm attracted to men. Do you know what it could be?" The psychiatrist reflects for a minute a says "This sounds like a classic case of Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Hiney." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!" Gingrich says,"I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!" Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe. One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe. The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, December 7th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Quotes) "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." - Jim Harrison #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're a redneck if .... You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. #4 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Save A Tree: Eat a beaver #2 (Category: One Liners) Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! #3 (Category: Funny Quotes) Everybody lies about sex. - Lazarus Long #4 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) What do Polish women do after they suck cock? - Spit out the feathers. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) The salesman sold a computer system to a far and foreign firm, and upon visiting them several months later he was alarmed to see that it was still in the original packaging. "Anything wrong?" he asked. "No," beamed the accounting manager, "through-put has increased, efficiency has improved no end!" "How's that, then?" "Every morning," he said, "I tell the staff, if you don't work harder and more efficiently, the machine is going to replace you."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, December 5th, 2009

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) nkita ni pedro ang bag ng isang amerikano: anu ang sasabhin ni pedro sagot: edi ur bag is tommorow (Submitted by bianca victoria) #2 (Category: Riddles) What did the hot dog say when he won the race? "I'm the weiner!" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging. Samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by dousing with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. #5 (Category: Professional Jokes) All my doctor does is send me to see other doctors. I don't know if he's really a doctor or a booking agent.

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