Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, May 28th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're a redneck if .... The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it). #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat. "What animal is this?" she asked. "A cat!" said Eddie. "Good job! Now, what is this animal?" "A dog!" said Eddie. "Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "A horny bastard," called out Eddie. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) the patato says you should fell sorry for me my owner cuts me up and puts me in a salad, the banana says you should fell sorry for me my owner takes my close of and eats me,and the dick says you should fell sorry for me my owner put a rubber baloon on me and puts me in a sticky hole and makes me do pushups intull i throw up #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A sexy lady in a bar walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The bartender says, ''He isn't here but I can do anything the manger can do for you.'' By this time the lady is running her fingers down his face and into his mouth and is letting him suck on her fingers. She says, ''You're sure he isn't here?'' The bartender says, ''Yes, I'm very sure.'' The lady says, ''Well, I just wanted to tell him there's no toilet paper or soap in the women's restroom.'' #5 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, May 21st, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM ____________________University To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________ I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons: ______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did. ______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did. ______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into: ______Medical School ______Graduate School ______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority ______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech ______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________. ______5. I'll lose my scholarship. ______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam. ______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the materisal asked for on the exam. ______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact. ______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles. _____10. You are prejudiced against: ______Males ______Jews ______Blacks ______Females ______Catholics ______Whites ______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities ______Chicanos ______People ______Students _____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance. _____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness: ______mono ______broken baby finger ______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy ______VD ______fatherhood _____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done. _____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull. _____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade. _____16. The lectures were: ______too detailed to pick out important points ______not explained in sufficient detail ______too boring ______all jokes and not enough material ______all of the above _____17. This course was: ______too early, I was not awake. ______at lunchtime, I was hungry ______too late, I was tired _____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course. _____19. Other___________________________________________________ #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) I've just come back from the beauty parlor! What a pity it was closed! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Knock Knock Who's there? Wooden shoe! Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to know! Knock Knock Who's there? Woody! Woody who? Woody answer the door please! Knock Knock Who's there? Woody! Woody who? Woody you want! Knock Knock Who's there? Wynette! Wynette who? Wynette let me in? Knock Knock Who's there? Wyoming! Wyoming who? Wyoming so mean to me! #5 (Category: Blonde Jokes) A blonde is just a readhead that has had the fire f**ked out of her.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, May 14th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book. GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average. GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A. EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it. CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device. "Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse "sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing. LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet." "My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems: P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P: "The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer. P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first. #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Early saturday morning, two kids were watching cartoons while both their parents sat on the couch and watched along. After a little while the mother got a little "excited" and signaled to her husband to meet her upstairs. After watching the TV for a while the older of the two sons turned around and noticed both mom and dad were gone, so he headed upstairs to see what they were up to. After spying on his parents he turned to walk away and there stood his little brother, full of curiosity, he asked if he could take a peek. His brother turned and said, "I'll let you look, but first remember that this is the women who used to spank us for sucking our thumbs!" #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) One Item of Chicago's Crime Prevention program was a sign you could stick in your car window saying "SEND HELP". While sitting in a parking lot, a man tossed the sign in his back seat. It happened to lodge in the rear window. A policeman, seeing the sign, came over. He found the man, perfectly all right and in no need of assistance ... rolling a joint. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, May 7th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're so fat, you need a permit to roll over in bed! They took your baby pictures via satellite! You're so fat! #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no dea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad." #3 (Category: Professional Jokes) Never trust a doctor who tells you you're dead. Always get a second opinion. #4 (Category: Religious Jokes) An old Jewish man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." The Jewish man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a minute and said, "Sir, I am the father for many." The Jewish man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?" The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out, "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people." The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Er... Mister, perhaps, you should wear your pants backwards." #5 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) A bechelor, just turned 40, began feeling desperate. "I went to a singles bar," he told a friend. "walked over to this 20-year-old woman and asked, "Where have you been all my life? she said, "Theeting!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 30th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire. So the man said, #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!" #3 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? Because that's what they train for all their lives. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up." Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?" #5 (Category: Funny Definitions) BASIC (Acronym) Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 23rd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied. "What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered. "They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in." "And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered. "But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Why did Gary Condit cross the road? A: To make sure his girlfriends aren't carrying any I.D. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, April 16th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Knock Knock Who's there? Aardvark! Aardvark who? Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles! Knock Knock Who's there? Aaron! Aaron who! Aaron on the side of caution! Knock Knock Who's there? Abbott! Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door! Knock Knock Who's there? Abe! Abe who? Abe C D E F G H...! Knock Knock Who's there? Abyssinia! Abyssinia who? Abyssinia behind bars one of these days! #2 (Category: Blonde Jokes) What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head. #3 (Category: Funny Quotes) Working here is like a nightmare. You'd like to get out of it, but you need the sleep. - A Whack in the side of the head Roger von Oech, Ph.D. Warner Books, 1983 #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month. After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come." "Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me." As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

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