Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 16th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts..." --Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. "We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5 "This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." --California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host." --James Baker, televangelist. "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. "What he does on his own time is up to him." --Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. "Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy." "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) If Microsoft Built Cars #5 (Category: Ethnic Jokes) Why are Jewish men circumsized? Jewish women don't want anything unless it's 20% off.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 9th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly." #2 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) What is the most insensitive part of a penis? - The man #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're so dumb, when the police said you broke the speed limit, you offered to fix it.. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser." To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells... "Look, hand cream!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, July 2nd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The town was in an uproar. An inmate of the local lunatic asylum had escaped and had raped two women. Everybody was horrified. Late that afternoon, the local newspaper's headline ran: "NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS" #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman? A: The penis. #3 (Category: Religious Jokes) Three nuns died and went to heaven. Outside the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "I am sorry, I know you are nuns, but before I let you in, I have to ask you each one question, if you answer correctly, you can enter." "That's all right," they said. "Okay," St. Peter said, he asked the 1st nun "Who was the first man on Earth?" The first nun replied, "That's easy, Adam." Bright lights came on the chimes sounded, and the Gates opened. The first nun entered. Peter asked the second nun "Who was the first woman on Earth?" The second nun replied, "That's easy, Eve." Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened. The second nun entered. Peter asked the last nun. "What were the first words that Eve ever said to Adam?" The last nun replied. "Oh, that's hard....." Bright lights came on, the chimes souned, and the Gates opened. #4 (Category: One Liners) A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. #5 (Category: Political Jokes) An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three parachutes. The pilot said, " I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 parachute. The Christian said, "I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that parachute for yourself." The Boy Scout got his parachute and was about to jump when he said, "Hey, there is one for you too. The world

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 25th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" #2 (Category: One Liners) Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors? #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're a redneck if .... If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year," #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes? A: Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 18th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. Sunday, December 13, 1992 After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets. #2 (Category: Nerd Jokes) DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) 486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.' Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey') Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disc Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles. It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 11th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect. He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said, "Honey, quick turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and said, "Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!" #2 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Why is 256 Ways To Make Love the most quoted book on the Internet? - It's the F**king Manual #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Microsoft struck by DOS attack, chief suspect identified as God. Redmond (Feb 28, 2001, 2:40 pm EST) Microsoft (MSFT) reported today that their facility in Redmond, Washington was struck by a large DOS attack, in the form of a 6.4 magnitude earthquake. The company reported minimal damage, but has contacted the FBI. Early investigative suspicion has focused on a shadowy character named GOD, who has been allegedly involved with such hacking attacks as the 3024 BC destruction of Sodom and several plagues within the Nile Delta. GOD's spokesman, Gabriel, has denied responsibility but notes that "Microsoft could use a good Smiting (tm)" #4 (Category: One Liners) If it wasn't for venetian blinds it would be curtains for us all. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand? A: A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, June 4th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) I was recently on vacation in Main when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police partol cars. The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces. I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police? #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." #4 (Category: Blonde Jokes) What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW? Divorcee' #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this." The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells. "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

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