Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Thursday, January 7th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground. A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says. "Where can I buy one?" he is asked. Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says. "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money. I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK? "Sure." The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news." I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead. The city feller says just give me my money back then. "Can't, spent it already!" "Well... unload the mule then." "What ya gonna do with him?" "Raffle him off!" "Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!" "Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks." One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop. "What did ya do with that dead mule?" "Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!" #2 (Category: Dirty Jokes) How is a man like a snow fall? -You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this: 1. No Y2K problems. 2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a new document? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ? A: Don't shake it. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. ''Why did you do that?''asked the other men. ''We have plenty of fine wine in France,'' said the man. Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ''Why did you do that?'' asked the other men. ' 'We have plenty of cigars in Cuba,'' said the Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throw' him off the cliff. ''What did you do that for?'' asked the French man. ''We have plenty of Cubans in America,'' answered the American man. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Wednesday, January 6th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message. #2 (Category: Question/Answer Jokes) The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure? Doctor: Yes, that is true. P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure? D: Yes, that is also true. P: So, in average, I live normally. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) What did one gay sperm say to the other? - I can't find my way through all this shit. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cellblock erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block. Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall. "Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door. "What's going on, here?" asked Rocky. "Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number." So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the old joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter. After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill STILL laughing?" "Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!" . . . The next night, Rocky again called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" but no one laughed. After several tries, Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate. "I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is no one laughing? They all laughed at that one yesterday." "Well," said the gruff inmate, "It

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Tuesday, January 5th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A lady walks into a bar and says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?'' She says,'' Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn.'' The bartender says, ''Okay, there are three things wrong here: Number 1: It's martini, not martooni. Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.'' #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this." The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells. "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country. March Planned For Next August Blind Bishop Appointed To See Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al. Diaper Market Bottoms Out Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal" Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest #5 (Category: Dirty Jokes) A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education. She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired. On the first day of school she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class "Does anyone know what this is called?" Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mommy has two of them!" "Very good," said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked "Does anyone know what this is called?" This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them." "That's the right name," said the teacher, but I don't think your daddy has two of them." "Yes he does!" said Billy. "He has a little one that he uses to pee, and big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Monday, January 4th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. #2 (Category: Funny Definitions) Pessimist Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope. #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Knock Knock Who's there? Maine! Maine who? Maine I come in now please! Knock Knock Who's there? Major! Major who? Major answer didn't I! Knock Knock Who's there? Malcolm! Malcolm who? Malcome you didn't do your homework! Knock Knock Who's there? Mali! Mali who? Mali Brown! Knock Knock Who's there? Manitoba! Manitoba who? Manitoba me hours to get out of here! #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Here's a pretty nasty one: Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS? The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Have you ever wondered why you wonder why? I used to wonder why, but now I don't wonder why I wonder why. I wonder why I don't wonder why anymore?

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What is the difference between a man and a catfish? A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. #2 (Category: Funny Quotes) If you can't get your books or receipts to balance out, here's a useful term vending machine distributors rely on: "Slug Factor." - Rich Hall #3 (Category: Funny Quotes) "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" - Mork, Mork and Mindy #4 (Category: Dirty Jokes) What kind of bees make milk? Boobies. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Knock Knock Who's there? Donald! Donald who? Donald come baby, cradle and all...! Knock Knock Who's there? Donalette! Donalette who? Donalette the bed bugs bite! Knock Knock Who's there? Donkey! Donkey who? Donkey Hotey! Knock Knock Who's there? Donna! Donna who? Donna sit under an apple tree with anyone but me...! Knock Knock Who's there? Donna Mae! Donna Mae who? Donna Mae-k you an offer you can't refuse!

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Saturday, January 2nd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Riddles) "What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand?" - "One hell of a moth!!" #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay". #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something with a flavor in order to get in. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is allowed entry to Heaven. The second man offers a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier that evening. He too is allowed entry to Heaven. The third man reaches into his pocket and produces a pair of panties. Confused at the man's gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do panties represent Christmas?" The man replies, "Oh, they're Carol's." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand? A: Kermit's undivided attention. #5 (Category: Marriage Jokes) The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master

Joke-Master.com :: Your Daily Jokes for - Friday, January 1st, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for today!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) The airplane took off with a full load of passengers. Ten minutes into the flight the loud speaker announced: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. You are privileged to be riding on the very first pilotless flight. Do not panic. This flight is backed by the finest technology in the world today. It has been planned by the United States Army and is sanctioned by the United States Government. Absolutely nothing can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong... #2 (Category: One Liners) What did the bee say t the flower? #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) New scientific theories GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago. #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) You're a redneck if... You check into a hotel on your wedding night and the clerk asks if you want the bridal suite, and you reply "No, I'll just hang on to her ears." #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm." "No, she isn't," said Johnny. "Why not?" "Because I ate her first!"

Thank you for subscribing to the Joke-Master.com Email List!

If you wish to remove yourself from this list, please reply to this email with the subject line "REMOVE:"
Thanks!
-The Joke Master