Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, November 5th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: One Liners) What color Does a Smurf turn If you Choke it? #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy. Memorandum To: All Employees From: Headquarters Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines Date: June 16, 2000 Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead. Transportation If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible. Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Lodging All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited. Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter. Meals Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation. Entertainment Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices. Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments. Miscellaneous All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits. #3 (Category: Murphy's Law) Jose's Axiom Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent. #4 (Category: Funny Definitions) Recipe (noun) A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of. #5 (Category: Blonde Jokes) A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up... you're next!"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 29th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Political Jokes) George Washington probably did not chop down his father's cherry tree. George Washington probably did not admit it by saying, #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their personalities. #3 (Category: Dirty Jokes) Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket. One summer day while on the way to her grandmother's house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains out!" Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says." #4 (Category: Bar/Drinking Jokes) In a darkets night, a policeman watches a staggering man trying in vain to unlock a door. "Is this your home, after all?" the policeman asks. "Sure, I'll prove it to you if you help me." Inside, the man explains, "You see, this is my bedroom. And this is my wife." "And who is the man next to her?" the policemand wants to know. "That's me!" #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN. October 9, 1995 A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates. Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous. The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 22nd, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Girls vs. Boys) Whats the difference between a man and a bathtub? You can scrub the scum off of a bathtub. #2 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Ever call MIT and get a wrong number - they have the strangest recording; "We're sorry - you have reached an imaginary number at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try your call again." #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever since his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the pig is a male or female. "No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer? #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway. Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it. Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb. Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is. #5 (Category: Murphy's Law) Army Law If it moves, salute it if it doesn't move, pick it up if you can't pick it up, paint it.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 15th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, 'How's my driving? Call 1 800 ****"**.' 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What tea do footballers drink ? A: Penaltea #3 (Category: Miscellaneous) After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection -- a baseball bat -- to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?" #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers. #5 (Category: Riddles) What do you call an Indian with a wooden leg? "Balansin"

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 8th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Definitions) Pessimist Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope. #2 (Category: Miscellaneous) A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!" #3 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Announcing C+- (Pronounced: C More or Less) Unlike C++, C+- is a subject-oriented language (SOL). Contributed by J. Favero, INTECS, Italy Each C+- class instance, known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices, agendas or undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well as public members, known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are overridden as shown: > better than < worse than > > way better than << forget it > ! not on your life == comparable, other things being equal !== get a life, guy! C+- is a strongly typed language, based on stereotyping and self- righteous logic. The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in other, less realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories. All Booleans can be declared with the modifiers strong and weak. Weak implication is said to "preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the DoD to ensure compatibility with future versions of Ada. Well-formed falsehoods (WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all Booleans. What-if and why-not interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y. C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor sharing. Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be killed by arranging contracts. Note that friendships are intransitive, volatile and non-Abelian. Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma dwim, known as the "Do what I mean" pragma. ANSIfication will be firmly resisted. C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard." #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me." #5 (Category: Nerd Jokes) Fun facts to know and tell: PDP is just another abbreviation for Programmed Data Processors.

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, October 1st, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Miscellaneous) A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing." #2 (Category: Marriage Jokes) A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. #3 (Category: Nasty/Tasteless Jokes) How do Helen Keller's parents punish her? - By leaving the plunger in the toilet #4 (Category: Miscellaneous) Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. #5 (Category: Miscellaneous) It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral. The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher. The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk." Very good," said the teacher. The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher. "Don't screw with my dad when he's drunk."

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Joke-Master.com :: Your Weekly Jokes for - Friday, September 24th, 2010

Good Morning GlobalEducation100@gmail.com! You are being blessed with the gift of laughter! Here are your 5 random jokes from Joke-Master.com for this week!:

	#1 (Category: Funny Quotes) "It's like deja vu all over again." - Yogi Berra #2 (Category: Murphy's Law) Murphy's Laws of Love Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. #3 (Category: Idiot Jokes) A big group of hunters were in the middle of the jungle and decided to split into smaller groups. Four fools decided to form one of the smaller groups and started walking. After a while, one of them realized they were quite far away from the main group, and that they couldn't possibly find the way back. One of the other fools says to the other three: "I've heard that whenever you can't find your group, what you have to do is to shoot three times to the air and wait for someone to find you" They shoot three times to the air, wait a while, but nothing happens. So they shoot three more times to the air but, again, no one comes to help them. After trying three shots more the fool says: "I hope this time someone can find us... that was my last arrow" #4 (Category: Political Jokes) Bill Clinton goes to Hillary and asks her to go to Zimbabwe with him. "Hell, no!" she tells him. I'd rather suck your dick than go to that dirty, smelly, third world country." So she sucks his dick. When she's done she says, "Bill, your dick stinks." "Yeah," he says. "Al Gore didn't want to go either." #5 (Category: Blonde Jokes) Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold? They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

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